Justification
by DarkSpring
Summary: Everyone has an anger that has to be released and it only takes one moment an opportunity for it all to break out.Deals with Selfinjruy and other harsh themes.
1. Chapter 1

AN/ Hey this is my first Supernatural fanfiction. Please be kind. This story will deal with harsh themes so please be careful! Disclaimer, I don't own any of the Supernatural universes… sadly… Oh and the chapters WILL GET LONGER!

And now I introduce my new story…Justification!

Intro: This takes place right after the Asylum.

Dean watched as the two kids drove off slightly bickering, something about breaking up. He shook his head, at least they were safe. He frankly wished that he could forget all about what had happened there that night. If head knew one thing, Wishing and hoping were never answered for him. What had been said, was going to stick… just like the rock salt that his brother had just shot him with a little bit ago… He couldn't forgive him for that. He wanted his brother dead… what was to say it wouldn't happen again?

"Dean…" Sam tried to start.

"We're good Sam I understand." Dean tried to smile encouragingly that everything was indeed good… but things weren't.

Sam looked at Dean, his words ringing in his ears. "Were good." The truth was they weren't good. Sam had just shot his older brother. How were they 'good'? If good was falling apart and freaking out… then yah Sam was good. "Dean…" Sam stopped when Dean gave him a look.

"If you even think about saying your sorry I'll stuff you in the trunk." Dean growled out limping into his black car and plopping in. Not bothering to care about the hurt look that passed his brothers face.

A shot rang through Sam's head making him jump violently before realizing that no one was open firing on him and his brother, it was the sound of the shot that he had fired at his brother minutes before. Dean didn't say anything to Sam as he watched his younger brother jerk in his seat. He didn't bloody care. As he turned on his car he sighed as Led Zeppelin coursed through the car. Nothing was said on the way back to the hotel. Dean was silently fuming, and Sam was silently brooding. What could be said at times such as that? Finally reaching their motel Sam fell on his bed, he felt like utter crap. He didn't know how he would tell him he didn't mean what he had said, what he had done, when Dean wouldn't even listen to him. Sam didn't know how long he had stared up at the ceiling from his bed when his brother got up grabbed his coat and headed for the door.

"Where are you going?" He asked getting ready to go with his older brother. Dean grunted and glared at the younger man as Sam tried to go with him. Dean shoved Sam away from him angrily causing the younger man to stumble back falling to the floor.

"It's none of your business where I'm going." Dean ground out angrily. "I'm going to a bar I saw earlier. They had a special" Dean paused at the door "people who have been shot by their own flesh and blood get in free." He said venomously and slammed the door, leaving Sam on the floor where he had landed. His head trying to grasp around the fact that Dean, the one person who promised never to hurt him had shoved him to the ground. Sam's head reeled…

"_Do you really hate me that much Sammy?" Dean whispered as Sam held the gun to Dean's face. The answer was given as Sam fired the gun. The gun went off. Sam stood in shock as he watched the life drain from his bothers eyes. He dropped the gun; it was supposed to be empty. No shots, nothing was supposed to be in the gun. Nothing had been in the gun… right? Sam couldn't understand what had just happened. He had shot Dean. Dean the only one that ever really cared about him, the one that would wait patiently out side his school and wait for him to come out. The one that was always there for every little thing, the one that he cared about._

"_Dean?" Sam whispered kneeling down next to his brother as he bled out drenching Sam in his blood. His brothers blood, the blood that he caused to spill from his brother. "Dean… com on wake up Dean you can't die! Dean, wake up this isn't funny!" Sam started to beg, shaking his brother. "Dean wake up, please!" He sobbed out, "Please please please wake up" again and again wishing with everything that he could have been stronger, and not have let that damn ghost do this to him, let him kill his brother. "Dean!" Sam yelled out a final time as everything around him seemed to fade into black. _

Shaking his head a sharp pain racing through Sam's arms, jogged him from his destructive mind. He felt the tears flowing down his face; he looked down at his arms they were covered in blood. "Dean!" Sam screamed. His body was racked with huge sobs. Tears gushed from his heart. Sam didn't know what to do. His arms were covered in his brother's blood. It was true… he had killed Dean, as he had killed both his mother and his girl friend. Sam slowly, with shaking hands tried to wipe away the blood. Get it off of him. He tried to wipe away the blood on his left arm, but it wouldn't stop coming. Then he realized the blood wasn't Deans… it was his.

An/ Okay, sorry it was a bit choppy. I tried to smooth it out and some points just wouldn't tame. I hope you enjoyed it. I'll try and up date as soon as possible. Review! Please?


	2. Chapter 2

AN/ Hey! Thank you to the 8 people who reviewed! It means a whole lot to me it really does. I'm sorry it took so long to update. A whirlwind of things started happening all at once so I haven't been able to update. But any ways here you go. There is some vilolence in this chapter I'm sorry. I wasn't planning on it but it just sort of came out. Please review and tell me what you think! And I'm sorry this wasn't as long as I thought it would be. :( Enjoy!

Chapter 2

Then he realized the blood wasn't Deans… it was his. What was going on? He would have remembered if he had cut… no hurt himself wouldn't he? Sam shakily got to his feet and staggered half-hazardly to the motel bathroom in search of a towel. Wrapping it around his arm Sam sunk to the floor. What had just happened? Was his brother really dead? Had he really killed his only sibling?

Sam glared at the towel on his arm spots of read seeping through. What had he done? He let his head back and hit against the wall savoring the throb of pain that he felt. His mind was reeling; he couldn't do anything to find his brother, not with his arm still bleeding as it was. He had to wait for him to hopefully return… if he ever did.

Seconds…minutes…hours… seemed to pass in one consecutive moment for Sam. Nothing seemed real. Everything had a funny haze to it.. He was beginning to accept the fact that he had killed his brother. And that he was going crazy. He pushed himself to his feet and leaned against the wall for a minute as the room spun before his eyes. His arm hurt like mad luckily though it had stopped bleeding. Sam carefully walked out of the bathroom into the main room; both beds were still mostly untouched, neither of the covers had been pulled back. His bed was only ruffled where he had laid earlier. With his left arm clutching his chest to keep from bleeding again his right hand fumbled with the zipper of his back pack to get his first aid kit out. Finally he was able to get it and stagger back to the bathroom. This time closing the door behind him. Just in case Dean did walk in, if he was ever coming back, he didn't want it to look like he was doing this on purpose…

Carefully Sam unrolled the towel that was holding his pulsing arm and let it fall to the floor as he turned on the water and getting another towel wet and slowly tried to get the most of the dried blood away from the cut. The youngest Winchester sucked in a painful breath as the whipped the majority of the blood from on top the cut. He savored it though for a moment before putting the towel down and getting out some antibiotic and cleaning his left arm hissing in pain again as it burned and stung as the medicine did its job of cleaning out his cut. Then he slowly wrapped his arm in gauze. That would have to do for now. Maybe in the morning he would feel better and be able to do more. But with the room spinning as it was. He couldn't do anything more except stagger out to his bed and fall ungracefully on it dead asleep in seconds.

Sleep didn't last long for Sam though, it seemed like only second had passed before a very drunk and very angry Dean came though the front door, an angry and crazed look in his eyes. He closed and locked the door, then moved the table in front of the door. Sam wouldn't be getting out any time soon. Then Dean took off his leather jacked and tucked it safely in his bag before staggering over to this sleeping baby brother He paused for a moment looking down at him. Thinking how peaceful he looked. He didn't take into consideration why there was a bandage covering his arm. He did however notice that Sam was asleep, unprotected to what Dean was going to do.

With out another wasted second grabbed the back of Sam's t-shirt and threw him across the room. Hitting the wall with a thump and a groan Sam was shocked awake. He sat up painfully slow. Shaking his head. Trying to understand what was happening. Was a demon attacking? He didn't have a chance to realize what was happening before a foot shot out and slammed him back into the wall. His breath caught in his throat as his lungs tried to gasp air in that wouldn't come. He coughed and sputtered before he was able to give his deprived lungs the air they craved.

Sam looked up at his brother; a relief shot though him at the sight of his brother, but left him as Dean bent down ad shoved him hard against the wall his face merely inches away from Sam's. His breath reeked of alcohol his eyes blood shot. "Come on little brother. Be a big man and fight! You did a few hours ago, fight me!" Dean slurred out shaking Sam hard before shoving him away from himself, sending Sam sprawling to the floor. The younger man didn't have time to react against his brother as Dean started to kick him.

"Dean stop!" Sam cried out as Dean kicked harder.

"Dean stop!" Dean mocked as he kept kicking his baby brother. "Come on Sammy. Be a fucking man. You can do it. Get up, fight for yourself you fucking bitch." Dean grabbed Sam and hauled him to his feet. Sam staggered his nose bleeding; his stomach on fire, his back felt as if someone had thrown him off a cliff onto rocks bellow.

Dean ignored his brother's pleas and smacked him across the face, again and again. Sam didn't even know when he stopped, he felt himself fall to the ground. His head was ringing, yet he heard every word Dean said. "It's your fault they died you freak. You fucking freak. You killed them. Who else is gonna die Sammy? Huh?" Dean slammed his foot into Sam's side. "Me?" Dean yelled forcing Sam to look at him. "Are you going to kill me next?"

Sam couldn't respond his body was on fire he could feel the blood coming from his arm. His eyes were half open his mind in shock of what was happening. He tried to stay conscious to know what was coming. His hopes were killed as his body fell into the darkness that started to surround him. Leaving his body unprotected from his drunken brothers wrath.

Dean slid to the ground next to where his unconscious brother lay. His chest heaving as he tried to regain his breath from all the movement had caused him. He sighted. Sam would get up later he didn't give a fuck right now. He was just tired and wanted to go to sleep. His chest was killing him and all he wanted now was to sleep. Dean brushed his hand through his hair as he climbed into his bed. The lights were already off so he had no problem forgetting that he was in a cheap motel room, he had just beaten his brother to unconsciousness, and that he wouldn't remember any of this in the morning.


	3. Chapter 3

AN/ Hey! I thought I would post again because I was kinda bored and wanted to know what happened myself! So yah. Here's the update. Nothing jazzy or anything. Let me know what you think! Please? If you love me? lol so yah enjoy!

Chapter 3

The world around Sam came first by fuzz… and then by swirling… and finally in sharp clarity that made his head throb in pain. He blinked. He was alive… he blinked again…the pain came rushing back… the events of last night came rushing back. Dean, drunk, Dean hitting him, Dean yelling at him, Dean hurting him, Dean being dead right about everything he had said.

A small groan escaped Sam's swollen lips as he mustered the strength he could to push himself to his knee's his head spinning as he reached for his back pack and crawled into the bathroom. Sam didn't trust himself to be able to balance on two very shaky and hurt legs. In the bathroom he made as little noise as possible closing the door and turning on the shower. Sitting against the door for support Sam took his pants and underwear off and then biting his lip he slipped his shirt of his head. Resting a moment before looking down at his bandaged arm, the supposed to be white bandage was red. Sam slowly un-wrapped his arm staring at the cut on his arm it was bigger then he remembered it being. Wider, longer then he thought it was last night. Cradling his left arm to his chest once again he crawled into the bathtub letting the shower spray over him.

Sam stayed in the bathtub until he felt that he had gained enough strength to get to his feet and get out. That was no easy task in a slippery bathtub. He finally managed it and got out using the walls, the toilet, and the sink for support. Sam took a breath and looked over his body; he had a swollen left eye, a split lip, and large bruises on his jaw. His eyes roamed down his body, which faired the same as his face. Bruises littered his pale skin. Sighing he re-bandaged his arm slowly and got dressed in a long sleeved shirt and long jeans. Sam quickly cleaned up the bathroom for Dean to use later and exited the bathroom, leaving it spotless.

By the time he got to his bed he crawled on top it and slowly messed it up, making it look slept in. And then he waited for his brother to wake up. Slowly with his eyes staring at Deans back made him start to move, he slowly woke up. Dean sat up stretching, not a care in the world.

"Sammy wake up we gotta go before one!" Dean grumbled before getting up and walking past Sam's bed with out looking at him and straight into the bathroom to shower and change. No noticing Sam fear written across his face mildly shaking on the bed right next to his own.

Sam watched his brother leave the room and let out a breath he hadn't known he was holding. Dean didn't seem to notice. Or was making far lighter of the situation than Sam thought he would. Seemingly hours later Dean emerged from the bathroom shaking his head free of water. "Wake up-" Dean stopped short staring at his younger brothers bruised face.

"What the hell happened to your face?" Dean asked walking closer to the bed, Sam moved away confused. Dean was faster then Sam was and caught his right arm and pulled him closer. "Who did this?"

Sam stared at his brother, it dawned on him, Dean had been so drunk the night before that he didn't remember doing this to him. He didn't remember what had happened. Sam thought quickly, "Aaattt the the barr." Sam stuttered out shaking violently now. "I…I wwen went looking ffoorr you. Aaanddd got goot in in a fffight." There he got it out trying to pull out of his brother's grasp.

"Calm down Sammy. The guy won't get you again. Wait…where was I?" Dean asked worry written over his face; yesterday's Asylum incident forgotten from his mind, his brother was clearly hurt.

Sam shrugged, "I couldn't find you." He let out slowly keeping his eyes downcast.

"Oh Sammy I'm sorry. I can't remember where I was, I would have beat the shit outta the other guy." Dean apologized letting Sam go and packing up his stuff hurriedly. "Come on Sam, we'll go pay for the room and then we'll get outta this stinking town." Sam nodded.

Dean didn't know. The chances of this happening again were slim. It was all just a mistake. It wasn't going to happen again.


	4. Chapter 4

AN/ Hey! Thank you all that reviewed, you really make me happy. Thank you soooo much. Well any ways, I'm not sure how many of you are going to like this chapter. I don't know why I'm being so mean! But yah, it was reviewed as being very… intense. So please. Read at your own cost. And please review? Pretty please with a cut little Sammy on top:)

Chapter 4

It wouldn't stop. Dean would be fine during the day and was overall caring for his brother. Making sure he was comfortable and making sure he had enough medicine in him to keep the pain from being too much. After a long drive to god knows where they were at another roadside motel getting ready to turn in for the night when dean got up.

"Sam are you going to be okay if I go to the local bar to hustle some people?" Dean asked his brother who was lying on his bed staring at the ceiling, he nodded. "All right, I should be back in a few hours." Dean left the motel room.

Sam Winchester stayed in his bed for the next two hors. His mind drifting to the night before. Tears coming to his eyes. He had tried to kill his brother. He deserved this. He slowly pulled up his sleeve and un bound his arm to stare at the own pain he had caused himself. Sam thought for moment, this was wrong; he shouldn't be hurting himself like this... But he ignored that thought and pulled out his pocket knife. And slowly drew a cut next o the existing one. Only one cut he swore. Something came over him though and 1 became 4 and 4 became 10 and 10 became 15 and 15 ended at 20 when Sam finally got control of himself and put the knife back in his pocket and retreated to the bathroom to clean himself up. He was a little scared, he didn't think he would loose it like that and just keep cutting. Just once. He didn't want this to become a regular thing, yet when he started, it was like something came over him and he just had to cut.

Sam washed his left arm up and stared again at the crisscrossing lines on his pale forearm. He didn't bandage it up just left it open, let them breathe. He would have to take it off and waist a bandage. While he was in the bathroom he heard the room of the hotel room bang open. Sam didn't think much of it. Dean wasn't yelling he was probably asleep already.

The youngest Winchester left he bathroom to go to bed. He didn't get the chance as he was grabbed around the next and was thrashed around. "Dean!" Sam tried to choke out. His brother was cutting off his air supply. In response Dean held stronger, feeling his brothers fighting slacked. Before Sam could succumb to the darkness Dean let go, causing Sammy to drop to the floor air rushing back into his lungs. Sam laid on the floor sucking in as much air as he could before his brothers next strike. Dean grabbed his brothers hair, making him look up at him.

"This is all for your own good Sammy!" Dean watched as pain flitted across the younger mans face. "That's right Sam. You killed them. Mom and Jess, they were your fault. You killed them." Sam nodded his head, there was no good denying it. He drew pain and trouble to those he loved. "What do you think Sammy? Do you deserve this pain for killing them? And trying to kill me?" Dean asked as he shoved Sam's head to the floor with a satisfying thump. "Answer me Sammy! That's an order!" Dean yelled striking fear in the younger man.

John Winchester was never a violent man but when he said something was an order you better do what ever it was, or you would regret it. This is what made Sam's sprit start to fall… start to break.

"Yes." Sam whispered his heart breaking tears starting to fall once again from his eyes. Dean smirked and leaned down to watch the light dim in his brothers' eyes.

"What was that Sammy?" D you deserve this?" Dean asked kicking Sam in the side.

Sam closed his eyes and said the one word that seemed to hurt him the most. "Yes!" He said a little louder.

Dean laughed harshly at this, "What?" He asked kicking his brother again. Sam rolled himself into a ball trying to protect himself against his brother.

"Yes!" He yelled.

"What?"

"Yes!"

"What was that one more time?" Dean whispered as Sam cracked and yelled 'Yes!' loudly. "Good boy Sammy." Dean pulled his younger brother to his feet and to the bathroom. "Say that you deserve this pain." Dean took hold of Sam's face and squeezed making him looking the mirror. Sam tried to look away but Dean's hold was too strong. "Say it Sammy!" Sam stared at his reflection and did what he was told

"I deserve this-"

"I killed them." Dean went on for Sam to say.

"I killed them." Sam repeated.

"I wanted to kill you too." Dean said glaring at Sam through the mirror.

Sam mimicked him. "I... no… please Dead. I didn't want to!" He tried to fight out of his brothers grasp but stopped when Dean started smacking and punching him. Sam collapsed to the floor huddled trying to keep from crying out at his brothers fists.

Dean growled angrily and yanked his brother to his feet, and pushed his face up against the mirror roughly. "Say you wanted me to die Sammy. Say you wanted to put a bullet in my fucking head!" He shoved harder against Sam's body, into the ledge of the sink. "Say it you freak. You wanted your only brother DEAD!" Sam's body jerked in pain, he didn't want to say it. It wasn't true. "Say it!" Dean yelled grinding his knee into the small of Sammy's back.

"I… I wanted to… I wanted to kill you Dean." Sammy said pitifully his body shaking as tears rushed from his eyes.

"I'm bad." Dean led pulling Sam away from the mirror but still forced him to look at his reflection. "Say it Sammy."

"I am bad." Sam agreed.

Dean nodded his head. "I am bad, I deserved to be hurt, I deserve this pain."

"I am bad, I deserve to be hurt, I deserve this pain." Sam said. "I am bad. I am bad. I am bad." Sammy repeated. "I deserve this pain. I am bad." He cried saying it over and over again.

Dean nodded. "Good boy Sammy." He let his brother go and Sammy staid where he was. Repeating that he was bad and that he deserved this as Dean left the bathroom tiered from beating on his little brother. Once Dean left the room Sammy stopped repeating the words. Causing dean to come back in and slam his head against the wall. "Keep saying it Sammy. Feel it. It's all true. Its all you ever were, you are bad, and you deserve this pain." Dean left the bathroom again falling asleep listening to his little brother repeat again and again how bad he was and that he deserved this pain.

Sam kept repeating this until he heard Deans snores over his own mantra then pushing the bathroom door closed he sunk to the floor. Shaking in pain, he was bad. He believed it. Dean wouldn't lie to him. He was bad. And he deserved this. Sam pulled off his pants and took his blade out of his pocked. He stared at his thighs. They were porcelain clear. Pale and untouched. That changed as he lowered the knife to his leg and began to cut the words that where him. He cut 'I am bad' In his left thigh. It bled merrily. Spotting to the floor. Sam didn't care if things got dirty in the bathroom. He underlined the words in red. Watching the blood hit the floor.

This was all he was good for. He was bad. He deserved this pain. He didn't deserve to be loved. Sam was starting to add things to his mantra. He was bad… Dean wouldn't lie to him about that. He was bad. And he had to believe it. I deserve this. Sam thought to himself as he fell into unconsciousness with blood still seeping from his leg onto the yellow tiled floor.


	5. Chapter 5

AN/ Hey I'm sorry its been a little bit before I last updated. This is short because. I dunno I just wanted it short like this. But I'm working on the next chapter already because I'm in a writing mood I guess. Soooo yah…. Review I love you all so much who review… it makes me sooooo happy! And if you review.. I'll update within the next two days depending when I get home tomorrow to upload the chapter okay? So yes here you are, some Dean worry… but trust me it'll get better!

Sam groggily awoke the next morning to a banging on the door. For a moment Sam was tempted to start saying how bad he was, but realize that there was bright morning day light shinning through the bathroom window. The banging on the door started again after a brief pause.

"Damn it Sam! You've been in there all morning!" Dean yelled through the door sounding annoyed. Sam's eyes roamed the room. Dried blood was spread thinly across the floor coming from his thighs. Staring at them Sam was momentarily sickened by them. They were a mess. The blood words stood out harshly against his pale skin.

"Sorry! Ten more minutes Dean I'm sorry I'll be right out." Sam yelled back pushing the water to the 'on' position and slowly agonizingly got to his feet and reached for a towel, that was thankfully complimentary. He wet it a bit and spread it out onto the floor mopping up the blood and making sure that no blood was in site before he shoved it out the window. There was little to no doubt in his mind that his brother would not look out the window for bloody towels. Then he carefully so as not to aggravate any of his wounds got into the shower and finished cleaning himself in the last of his 10 minutes.

Dean was luckily out of the room when Sam scurried out shoving on a long sleeve shirt and jumping into bed so he could wait until his brother was in the shower to finish getting dressed. Holding his breath the door jiggled before it let in Dean, a very annoyed looking Dean.

"Finally showering beauty is out of the shower." He grunted grabbing his showering things and going into the now spotless bathroom. Sam let his breath out as he heard the shower start again. Good, he could get dressed and packed before Dean got out again.

Shifting from foot to foot Sam waited. He packed and dressed faster then he thought he would. Dean was in the shower, singing some song and was having the time of his life. Sam didn't understand how he was going to hide the marks on his face. His brother the night before slamming him against the mirror had left a couple bigger ugly bruises that weren't as easy to get around explaining. He would figure something out… he had to.

Dean immerged through the bathroom door looking like a king. He had successfully and knowingly used every last drip of hot water there was at this crappy ass motel before they could check out. His grin was unmistakable as he heard a lady yell something hideous that there was no hot water. Oh the little joys in life.

"Shit!" Dean yelled though when he saw his brothers face. The bruises were bigger then before and looked meaner. Sam jumped as Dean's sudden exclamation. "What the bloody hell happened to your face Sammy?" Sam shrugged his shoulders. Dean momentarily let it go because they had to get checked out in the next five minutes or they would have to pay those damn fines that Sammy usually caused waking up late.

Some two hours, two cheese burgers, two cokes, and some odd miles behind them the last town Dean cut the music in his beloved car. They were unmistakably in the middle of no where, not a town or another living person for at least 10 miles in any direction. And the farther they got the bigger the gap got.

"Sammy. What happened to your face?" Dean asked glancing at his brother who stiffened in his seat and snapped his gaze to Dean in fright?

"What are you talking about Dean?" Sam asked lightly trying to get out of talking. He was not going to say how he got them. He wasn't going to do that to Dean. It wasn't his fault. He was drunk when it happened, and he deserved it any ways. So it didn't matter.

"Sam stop with the bull shit what the hell happened?" Dean growled glaring at his brother. Sam flinched in his seat.

"Another bar... another fight... the other guy looks worse though I swear." Sam mumbled. Dean let out a sigh shaking his head. He was glad that was all.

"Why did you go to the bar again?" Dean asked watching the road the endlessness was sometimes daunting when there were only two directions you could go.

Sam rested his head against the window staring out. Maybe it would be okay now? Dean seemed a lot more worried about what was happening to him for the past two nights. "Dean… just… please don't go out tonight… okay? Please?" Sam begged keeping his eyes glued to the scenery passing by his window. He wouldn't look at his brother when he let out his request…he knew he was begging… but… didn't want to deal with that again. What had happened the night before was terrifying him. He glanced into the side mirror on his side and stared at his reflection a moment before he had to look away because the same thoughts came into his head…he was bad and he deserved this pain.

Sam's earlier request when they drove by a bar later the day around eight o'clock that had women dancing in the front drawing any male towards the bar. Sam started to beg Dean not to go but stopped when Dean shot him a look. Sam instantly felt sorry and laid down in his bed pretending to be asleep as Dean left to go out gallivanting around.

He came back hours later drunk, yelling, and violent. Sam didn't try to fight him. Deny him or anything. He just took it. Soaking in the words that Dean yelled and the pain he inflicted. The only thoughts that he was making on his own were that he deserved this. And that this was all he was good for.


	6. Chapter 6

AN/ I'm appalled with myself. I'm so so so so so so so sorry I rushed this. I'm so sorry I can't even describe how horrible I feel. I'm just... shocked... and disgusted that I did that. I'm so sorry. It'll never happen again. I promise. I revised it and lengthened the chapter! I'm so sorry. I'm just speechless that I was that careless. Please forgive me. I'm so sorry. And to those of you who have already read it, please try and re read it again? Please? I made it better. And could you pm me with what you think of the corrections please? gets down on hands and knees and grovels for forgiveness I'm just so sorry about how awful the first draft of this chapter was. Please don't hate me!

The next week held the same fate for Sam and Dean. During the day Dean would worry about his little brother, wondering what was wrong with him, and why he was getting in so many fights. The thought that he was the cause of his brother's pain never once entered his mind. He just drove from town to town went out to get money, Sam would 'come' later to get him and get beat up some how. Sam never knew what his attacker really looked like, so when he tried to track the men down, there was no trace of them. Sam would stay silent he would not risk hurting his brother in the way he knew would happen if he told him what was going on, and there was no reason to. He deserved this.

Sam's cuts were also getting bigger and deeper with every night. Everything was spinning out of control for him. Dean was getting meaner and meaner at night and he could do nothing to stop it. During the day he couldn't look at his brother with out flinching. Everything was mashing together. Day and night, night and day, Sam was always in pain mentally and physically from the beatings. It was getting that not just at night would he tell himself the things that Dean said were true but now he was repeating them to himself during the day. First with the words during the day let Sam to more cutting, he would do it when he felt panicked when he was scared or nervous, or any emotion that he felt didn't belong in him. Cutting was there for everything. He didn't mind the pain he inflicted on himself it just felt right. Sam also started to apologize also for everything even for breathing too loud at times, for anything that went wrong was his fault. Just as long as Dean was happy he wouldn't hurt him he hoped. During the long car rides, he wouldn't dare touch the music like he had done so usually fighting with his brother to change the music from the ever insistent rock music. It wasn't his place to tell Dean to do anything. He wasn't supposed to be comfortable or happy. This was part of his punishment.

"Sammy." Dean called out being jerked awake at the sound of his brothers crying. He usually didn't wake after a night of drinking and for another little side note to himself Dean smirked at the fact that he himself did not feel the pain for a hang over. Dean Winchester did not get hang overs. So waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of his brothers crying was a bit alarming to Dean. Getting up in clad in just his boxers Dean looked at his brother's bed, it was untouched. Glaring at the clock that read an ugly 3 O'clock in the morning he tried to remember when he had gotten home, or when he had gotten dressed. He couldn't recall anything just that he left to go to the bar and that was all. That wasn't too odd though it had been happened for the past couple of weeks. All it was was that he just tended to get a bit drunker then he thought he would. There was nothing out of the normal with that. Dean reasoned rubbing sleep out of his eyes Dean looked around the room Sam was no where in sight. Getting up tiredly Dean made his way over to the bathroom but stopped to listen to what Sam was crying on the other side of the closed door. What he heard made his heart stop… skip a beat… stop again, and then start pounding like mad.

On the other side of the door Sam was unaware of his brother standing on the other side listening to him. Sam had his eyes fixated at the knife he had in his hands, that he had put in the bathroom that morning for this particular use he knew what Dean was going to do when he got home from the bar. He might as well have been ready for the aftermath. Dean had gone to sleep 4 hours before. He had been kicked out of the bar because he was being too rowdy at the bar and was first cut off from the alcohol supply and then was escorted back to the motel room to prevent any more damage from being done. Dean then proceeded with the beating of his little brother like any other night. He beat Sam and yelled at him. This night though was far worst physically than mentally on Sam. Dean had broken his left arm Sam couldn't tell yet if it had been intentional or not, he was leaning toward the not because something had snapped through Dean's eyes when he saw and heard his little brothers scream of pain when the bone snapped beneath his weight from being propelled into a wall, harder then Dean had ever thrown him before. Dean had even looked over it a moment before he twisted it painfully his face void of any emotion that was there moments before.

Sam had then been left in the bathroom after what seemed like hours of pure verbal attacks. His body was still on fire but the thoughts that Dean was giving him, was making his head spin. He didn't know what his own thoughts were and what was being forced into his mind. So after his mantra of saying how bad he was he had to do something to get some of the things in his head. Sam didn't really care where he cut, so long as it bled the pain out of him so he cut his swollen arm blood spilled harder then ever before due to the bruising that it had sustained. The pain blossomed forth harder then it had ever done before also making Sam gasp in pain as it shot from his arm. This cut made the first cut he had ever done look like a paper cut… this cut was deep enough to cause some damage. It reached from his wrist to half way up his lower arm. Sam could almost see the words that Dean had said to him come out spelling the blood that flowed over his arm and onto the floor. He just stared and then laughed at the pain it was causing before he became quiet.

Nothing lasts forever though.

Tears started to poor as Sam began to feel light headed, scared that the bleeding wasn't stopping. That the pain wasn't going away. He made another cut wanting to stop the pain. Another followed words poured from his mouth when he heard Dean call his name in the back of his mind. "I'm bad, I killed my mother. I was the cause of her Death. Jess cried my name as she died because it was my fault. It's my fault that Dean hates me I tried to kill my brother. I deserve this as my punishment. I'm bad I'm bad I'm bad." Sam cried harder the tears pouring out of his eyes when suddenly a hand shot out and pulled the knife he was holding out of his hands.

Sam tried to scoot back hide into a corner away from his brother, as his mind reeled in shock. It was too soon, he was still intoxicated. This wasn't the end of the beating. He had been tricked. It was going to continue. What about his arm? What was going to happen when his brother saw it, would he care or put salt in it to hear the sounds that Sam would make. "I'm sorry I'm bad I'm bad I'm bad." Sam cried again as he forced his eyes shut. His body was shaking; he would rather not see Dean attack. The blank look in his brother's eyes was almost too much. Jerking violently Sam tried to pull his hand away from the soft touch that he felt he cried out in pain as something was pressed against his fresh cuts. He tried to pull away from fright that his brother would do but the hold wouldn't be released it was steady and some what... soothing.

"Sammy…" Dean whispered holding the towel to his brother's wrist. His heart and his head were in so much pain that he couldn't even begin to fathom what he had just heard and witnessed. Dean could deal with any demon, but this, this was new for him, and he didn't like new so much. He didn't know what he was supposed to do. Sam's words echoed in his head in shocking reality. He tried to piece together weather a demon had done this or someone at another bar. His unchecked anger spilled from his mouth as he growled. Sam reacted violently

"No... No more please Dean. Please no more not tonight." Sam begged trying harder to pull away to get away from his brother. He needed to get away he couldn't take any more pain tonight his head was on over load. Then loosing the energy that he had left from trying to get away from Dean and the blood loss from his arm Sam collapsed on to his side. His eyes rolling back into his head as he drifted off into the welcomed darkness.

Dean's eyes widened as his brother collapsed onto the floor next to him he quickly checked for a pulse; thankfully it was there and was surprisingly strong. His brother was a fighter and was going to be okay. He just needed to stop the bleeding that was all and bandage and clean his wounds. Carefully Dean laid his brother out onto the bathroom floor and let his arm go before he ran out of the room and retrieved the more heavy duty bag that was sealed tightly, with the powerful medicine in it not just band aids. This one had needles and purified thread for stitching, a vile of pain reliever, and a board for splinting broken limbs and a number of other things that had been stocked up from rather nasty hunts.

Carefully Dean set to work first injecting Sam with the pain reliever and then letting it course through his body before he set to work first on stitching the gash on his arm. Dean took great care that it was as clean as it could be, he would not be at fault if Sam got infected for messy work. Then for the time being at least he wrapped Sam's arm to the board holding it straight they would go the next morning to the hospital to get it professionally checked out. They would deal with what ever happened when they got there.

Dean carefully picked his unconscious brother and transported him to his own bed laying him down carefully as he could so just in case Sam did move in his sleep his arm wouldn't be caught and he wouldn't be in any more pain than he already was. As Dean set his brother up the bottom of Sam's shirt got tugged up exposing the marred flesh beneath. Words were cut into his stomach; 'mistake' was clearly written and scabbed over, which was accented by the unmistakable coloring of bruising. Dean's heart clenched as he pulled the shirt farther up. The bruising was every where; scratches and marks were littered across his brother's chest. Dean let the shirt fall back into placed as Dean backed away from his brother. Dean's eyes went wide never leaving his brothers face as ideas of what could have happened to his brother flowing through his head all of them getting worse and more horrendous as every minute passed. Sickeningly though his mind went a little farther in what could have happened. The worse one being that maybe he in some way had caused this. That he had hurt his brother… but that couldn't be real could it? He would never do this to Sammy… he loved Sammy with all his heart. He wouldn't just hurt his brother like this. He couldn't/wouldn't ever do that. Could he?


	7. Chapter 7

AN/ … hello… hi… am I still welcome here? I'm sorry it has been son long. I really am. I wish I had updated sooner. I'll tell you what's been going on and why I havn't posted. School for one, I'm taking Chinese and its killer hard, and I was behind and I just didn't do my work so for the past 2 weeks I've been playing catch up, and then before that I was staying at my aunts house, and if you thought my head was in a writing mood it wasn't. far worse.. but were not going into that. Any ways, uh… one other thing, I've been put back on Welbutrin for my depression. I don't think, or at least I hope, it won't hinder this story. I'm trying really hard to keep everything stable and not leave this story, which I wont. I swear on the gorgeousness of Jensen and Jarred's bodies as my witness… lol so yah, here is the new chapter I'm so sorry it took so long. Give me reviews and I promise I'll update soon! Please? Haha thank you for the past reviews. And hehe I hope you like the end of this chapter! So read on all you wonderful people who like to review!

Dean didn't move for the next few hours. His body never once faltered in the ever present exhaustion he felt every night recently. Nothing touched him, nothing but his own mind that jumped from one conclusion to another. His brother, his baby brother, his ONLY baby brother was there not two feet from him, unconscious and bloodied. His wrists were the only brightness in the dark motel room. Deans eyes would drift down to the make shift bandages and then back up to Sam's face, and then back down again. And then back up. It was hard to wrap his head around.

His Sammy had intentionally hurt himself. It wasn't that Dean didn't understand the logic behind hurting oneself, his own hand drifting to his wrist that had its own few scars. He had cut himself, before he had realized how selfish it was. He needed to stay strong for Sam. He couldn't do that to Sammy, he wouldn't let himself fall into that type of pain and sadness that would have consumed him. He stopped after a month of doing it. Dean was stronger then that. He wouldn't let it control him. Yet, he had driven his brother doing it, and his brother wasn't fighting back against the callings of the knife.

Pain. That was all Sam first registered. His body was coursing with it. Slowly he blinked open his eyes gasping as he tried to sit up. He heard Deans voice. He stopped trying to move frozen in fear.

"Don't move Sammy." Dean said a hand pushed slightly on Sam's chest, easing him back down onto the bed. Quickly though his eyes shot to the nearest window. It was dark. That meant there was no sun light. That meant that Dean was still out for his blood.

"I'm bad. I'm bad." Sam began talking quickly. Sam's mind was sick at the thought of more pain inflicted by his brother. At his own hand maybe… but any more from Dean, he didn't know how he would take it during the day with his brother caring, and then at night a killer almost. "I killed them. All of them I deserve this pain." Sam said starting to cry as he expected the blows to fall down on him. They didn't come. This panicked the boy because what was he supposed to do if Dean wasn't attacking him?

"Sammy…" Dean tried to cut in brushing Sam's bangs away from his forehead lightly causing his younger brother to jerk away violently. "Sam… Sammy…calm down I'm not going to hurt you." He kept trying to get his brother to ease up as the boy's body went rigid in pain… in expectation of pain.

"It's okay Sam." Dean soothed quietly trying to calm his own voice to project calmness to his brother. "Sam look at me." Dean ordered Sam slowly turned his head to face his brother. "I'm not going to hurt you Sammy." Dean whispered his voice breaking at the fearful look in his brother's face. His mind started screaming the un-doubtable truth. This was his entire fault.

Slowly Dean reached out his own slightly sweaty hand and grasped his brothers shaking hand and placed it over his heart. "I'm your bother. I won't hurt you again." Part of Dean was uncomfortable with the situation he had put himself in. He was holding his brothers hand saying something that was no doubt the most chick flicky moments ever said in the history of the world… yet it didn't stop the tears that were welling up in his eyes as Sam shook his head and continued what he had been saying. The boy's eyes shifted past Dean, making it easier for him to talk.

"Sam... Sammy…Have I ever hurt you?" Dean asked slowly he had to be sure that he was to blame. Sam continued to speak unaware that Dean was talking, only that he was there. "Sam please…" Dean begged wishing that his little brother would answer him. "Stop!" Dean growled out finally stopping his brother from continuing his degrading mantra. "Answer me now. Have I ever hurt you!" Dean growled his voice going harsh for a moment, he knew Sam would answer and he did.

"Yes." Sam stated simply. Sam blinked as if seeing his brother for the first time. His heart jumping as he watched the tears fall from his brother's eyes.

"I've done all of this to you?" Dean motioned to his brother's broken wrist and body. Sam again nodded moving his eyes away from his brother has he felt his hand being squeezed then dropped. He didn't look at his brother as he felt him drop to the ground rocking back and forth shaking his head.

Dean sat there on the floor rocking back and forth, not bothering to hide his tears. He was a horrible brother. How on earth could he have done that to Sam? How could he have hurt his brother this bad that he would just… that he would... that he, as the older brother, the protector would drive Sam to wanting to kill himself? What else had he done and couldn't see? How much of a horrible brother was it with out even knowing it.

Light slowly began to fill he small room. Neither boy had moved. Sam was lying on his bed still as anything staring up at the ceiling thinking slowly about what he was supposed to say to his brother… how he was going to cover up that it was actually him that inflicted this pain on him. He didn't want his brother to leave him… he didn't want to be abandoned. He needed his brother weather he was a worthless punching bag or not. He didn't want to be left alone.

Sam broke the silence… "Dean…" He tried to begin but was stopped as Dean got to his feet and walked into the bathroom. There was a sound of tinkling and soon Dean re-emerged holding the first aid kit and setting it on the bed next to Sam. Then carefully pushing Sam back down onto the bed re-bandaged the cut wrists and threw the old stuff away

"Dean…" Sam tried to get out again but the other boy was on the move again. This time, doing the worse thing ever… cleaning. Dean Winchester did not clean, well aside from his weapons. This was bad… Sam knew instantly the only times that Dean ever clened was when he was so upset that not even fighting could get it out of him. When Sam had almost been killed, the next week their house had never looked so good. He had stayed up that entire week cleaning, this was not good.

"Dean… it's not our fault." Sam yelled out in agitation and fear causing his older brother to spin on him quickly throwing his hands up in the air in frustration making Sam whimper and back away from his brother in fear.

"God Sammy… What have I done? What have I done to you?" Dean asked dropping on to his own bed watching his little brother.

"It wasn't your fault Dean." Sam said again shaking his head trying to loosen out his body. It was easier to think something else... someone else had done this to him, rather then his own brother. Hopefully it would work out...

"Just hear me out." Sam began again not stopping to let his brother have a word in. "its not your fault, its my fault. Okay? Please?" Sam took a deep breath, "I just egg you on. I deserve this. I really do…" He looked down at his arms. "I do this because it gets the bad out. Please just... go on the way we have. I'm fine. I deserve this. You don't remember usually… so go out... have a drink come back and we can forget about this Dean. Please." Sam begged rolling onto his side curling in on himself. Half expecting his brother to lash out at him.

"God Sam… never. Never don't... never I'm never going to drink again." Dean tried to begin. His head and his heart with pain that he never knew was possible "You don't deserve to be hurt. Never do you deserve to be hurt… no one is allowed to hurt you. I promised mom that I would never let anything hurt you if I had anything to say about it… that I would never hurt you… Sam I failed you. You have to understand that. I would never hurt you... I shouldn't have ever hurt you. I'll make things write Sammy… I promise." Dean vowed, the sincerity in his voice made Sam look at him tears in his eyes. Sam wanted to believe what Dean was saying… but would it be that way when night fell?

Sam would have to think about that later as a blare of pain radiated through his head, causing him to cry out in agony. His head was on fire. Flashes of pain coursed through his body, half from aggravating his already sore body or half from the vision he didn't know it just hurt. Dean was in his head, hurting him, in the future. He could see the time pass it wasn't going to stop. The pain would get worse. He saw himself on the bathroom floor his death. He was pale, bloody pouring from deep cuts along his arms. His brother crying at his gravestone, crying that it hadn't been his fault.

As fast as the vision was there it was gone. Sam stayed where he was his body still coursing with pain. He couldn't think right his head his body. Everything was on pure fire. It hurt to breathe. He was finally able to open his eyes enough to look for his brother for comfort. What he found wasn't what he needed. As his eyes rested on his brother, he saw the older hunters eyes flash red then fade back to their normal color. Sam's heart quickened. A demon had taken over his brother's body.


	8. Chapter 8

AN/ Hi. I'm so sorry how long it has been. I really am. I feel awful. When I feel another week has passed and I havn't updated I feel horrible. I'm so sorry. I really am. I wish I could update more.. just everything right now… isn't so great. I'm trying. I've been writing this since I updated last. I"msorry its been sooooo long. Please forgive me? I'm trying! Here to all you wonderful people who reviewed I promise I'll update sooner I promise!

Sam clutched his head as he heard Dean asking if he was okay. All he could do was wish that he was dead. Sam wished harder then he had ever wished for anything more that his brother had hit him a little harder or he had pressed a little harder on the knife. His head couldn't even start to understand what it really meant that his brother was possessed. And everything was going to get worse; he felt snit bits of what he was going to feel and it made him sick. He wasn't going to live through the next couple of day. He understood that much of the vision.

"Don't touch me" Sam yelled as his brother rubbed his back. He shunned away from him, his heart beating against his chest so hard that any moment it would explode. "Don't… Don't touch me" Sam kept backing away, off the bed and farther. He needed to get away from Dean. This wasn't his brother. Gulping Sam shook his head as he watched Dean's eyes flash red then back to brown. The demon was taking control.

"Come on Sam! I'm not gonna hurt you!" Dean cried as his brother refused his touch. His brother had always welcomed his touch, he made the tummy aches go away and his night mares seem so much farther away… yet now he was crying out as if he had burned him. He knew that he had hurt the kid, but he was his brother for Pete's sake! "Sam-my!" Dean laughed moving forward towards his brother slowly. "Come on Sam, just come back and lie down. You're going to pass out." He offered his had to Sam who shook his head.

"Get… get… get away from me!" Sam yelled backing farther away he was running out of room. His eyes scanned the room looking for some salt… or a gun. His mind flashed images of when he had pulled a gun on his brother before making him sway on his feet and hold his head to steady himself. His eyes were wide as he stared at Dean. "I didn't mean it Dean! I didn't mean any of it. Why can't you forgive me?" Sam was crying, shaking in fear and pain. "Please…" Sam begged moving farther away. His foot hit something and sent him crashing to the ground. He gasped in pain as the hit radiated up his spine. Sam blinked as his brother moved forward to help him. Sam, hurt as he was, quickly grabbed the can of salt that had tripped him, grasping a handful he threw it at his brother causing the older man a cry of pain as he stagger away from Sam His eyes flashing red.

"Did little Sammy figure it out?" Dean asked laughing slightly wiping at his face in pain. His eyes again flashing back and forth between red and brown as if something were fighting. Sam nodded his head slowly pulling out another hand full of salt throwing it again as he staggered to his feet. "What should we do about it?" Dean asked taking threatening steps towards the cowering Sam.

"Keep away from me!" Sam yelled throwing another hand full of salt. It wasn't working. When ever the salt was about to hit Dean his eyes flashed to brown and it didn't hurt him… he was letting Dean be in control so it wouldn't hurt him. Every time he did Dean tried to say something before the Demon took over again.

"Well that isn't going to work now is it Sammy?" Dean growled lunging forward before Sam could react knocking the boy to the ground as Dean pried the container away from his brother and sent flying it across the room. His hands wrapped around Sam's throat and he squeezed.

Sam struggled beneath him trying to get out, his eyes going wide when he realized that Dean wasn't going to let him go. His fighting started to slow down as his eyes focused on his brothers red eyes. Spots danced in front of him. And he thought he saw Dean crying but he wasn't sure because in a moment it was gone. Then it was there, and then it was gone again. Sam tried to bring in much needed air but it wouldn't come. His eyes blinking slowly closed. Darkness fell around the young hunter, just as his brother let go.

"Come on Sammy." Dean slapped the side of his brother's face waking the boy up. "Enough sleepy time Sam"

Sam blinked lifting his head up from his chest. Everywhere part of Sam's body hurt badly, as if he had been bulldozed over. He wished he hadn't woken up. He tried to move but found that he couldn't move. He fought against what ever was holding him before he looked at his arms; they were tied and tacked to the wall behind him. Dean had clearly been busy.

"Let me go!" Sam struggled against his restraints earning a hard smack to the face. Dean's face loomed in the haze of pain that clouded Sam's eyes, he tried to focus… he had to know if this was Dean talking or the demon. He wasn't sure how much of what Dean had done to him was the demon or his brother. The eyes were red, the demon was in control.

"Don't you want to play?" The older boy asked pacing around Sam. "I know you do." He punched Sam in the stomach laughing as the younger boy tried and failed to protect his mid section. "This is fun isn't it?" He asked punching the younger boy again. "We used to rough house all the time remember? You could never win. Kinda like this isn't it? You pined down by me… you were always weak Sammy. Week and worthless." Dean hissed. Sam glared up at him… and was shocked that his brother's eyes weren't red any more. Sam shook his head, thinking that is eyes were playing tricks on him, yet Dean's eyes were in fact brown. But the Demon? No…it wasn't true… god it wasn't true.. there was no demon… but there had to be!

"Dean… Dean don't do this please Dean don't." Sam gasped out resting his head against the wall believing that his brother would let him get away. A hand reached up and brushed his bangs aside before they roughly grasped his jaw tightly forcing eye contact.

"Look at my eyes Sammy… I'm your brother… Dean… And I'm choosing to do this to you." He growled landing hits at the younger boy before Sam could utter a word. "This is me Sammy… your big brother and you know what?" Dean again grasped Sam's jaw forcing the bleary eyed young man to look at him once again. "I hate you. You're worthless. You killed Mom." Sam tried to shake his head.

"No!" Sam cried, using what ever strength he could muster grasping the rope holding him he kicked out as hard as he could shoving Dean across the room. Un-successfully Sam tried to work out the knots of his binding but Dean got to him first shoving his shoulders into the wall behind him. Anger clearly written all over his face. Dean didn't say anything he pulled his knee up, causing Sam to cry out in pain his eyes filled with tears.

"Don't ever do that again." Dean growled backhanding Sam in the face growling viciously at him. "Look at my eyes. My eyes wouldn't lie Sam." Dean started to smile. "Remember when we were little… and I'd tell you something… and you'd ask me how would you know if it were true?" Sam nodded his head in recollection. "Remember what I'd say?" Sam nodded, "Tell me Sam what would I say?"

"If I can look into your eyes… I'd know if you were telling the truth… and that your eyes would always tell me if you were lying… that you were my brother and you wouldn't lie to me…" Sam whispered brokenly as he stared into the eyes of his brother… Sam stared hard into them before letting his gaze fall to the floor… his heart shredding in two, no demon had taken over his brother… this was really all Dean.

"Sammy… Sammy Sammy Sammy… this is payback for fucking trying to shoot me your own flesh and blood. But this wouldn't be the first time now would it Sammy?" Dean growled angrily pulling his hand back as if to hit the restrained man, laughing as Sam tried to jerk away in fear, power coursed through Dean. The fear was plainly written on the younger hunters face was power a thrill of adrenaline for Dean. "Come on Sammy. I thought you were stronger then that." Dean sighed the next few hours were going to be fun.

Dean picked up the knife that Sam had been using on him self and slowly brought it to Sam's right arm and made a cut. "This is what you do to yourself isn't it?' He made another cut, relishing the sound of his brother's whimper. "Yes... just a little at first." Another cut was made. "And then a little deeper." He added to the line getting deeper and deeper as he went. "And then, you get to this, he cut the bandage off of Sam's left arm making it start to bleed trailing down Sam's bare arm. He whimpered again trying not to cry.

"No. This is too good. This this I will do later." Dean smirked tossing the knife aside staring at his brother. "I want a little fight. I want to hear you beg for me to stop. I want to hear you say how it was your fault that they died." He untied Sam letting the boy crumple to the ground before he laid down on his bed and flicked on the TV lazily turning up the volume flipping channels before settling on an old war movie. He sat there for some time listening to the noise that the TV was making, and Sam's harsh gasps of air as his body wasn't used to having weight on his feet. A grin spread across the older hunters face. He would make sure his brother never thought he wasn't guilty for their deaths. He would make sure his brother hurt so badly… that he didn't need to kill him. He would kill himself.

As the first fist falls landed on the youngest Winchester someone awoke with a scream on their lips. A scream that was so filled with pity and anguish no one would be able to hear it. The only thought that came across the pain she felt was the need for help. A boy was going to die if they didn't help him. A boy was going to take their life… and that was not name of the game…


	9. Chapter 9

Fanfiction wouldn't let me update! I was done with this chapter a the next day after I updated the last chapter.. sorry it wasn't my fault! You can't blame it on me! I tried getting people all over the world to log on haha.. sorry!

AN/ Hello all, Hm.. Another post I see… well I hope you like it… its … interesting to say the least. I was having some trouble writing it. It's a bit… jumpy. It goes from different point of views… I think it will make sense though, if not, and if you don't like it, let me know and I'll re-write it. It makes sense enough for me… but I'm makin it up so it has to make sense to me. I'm sorry I would have like little lines saying change of view, but it never works… so yah… I hope you like this chapter. It's a bit.. different from my others I think. I'm already working on the next chapter. I'm going to keep them to one to two pages so I can keep posting and not having them long 3 weeks in-between… So… yes… please review. You can review short, but I love long ones, that's what made me write so soon. I was very just thrilled with the reviews that I did get. It really does make my day a whole lot brighter. When and if we get to 100 I'll e-mail the new chapter to that person first! Well here you are! Chapter… 9!

John Winchester started at his phone, there were no new calls. Nothing from either of his sons. They had never failed to call him, ever, none of the time that he was 'missing in action' as they would put it… they would always call at least once a week, usually Friday nights. But it was now Saturday somewhere between three and four o'clock in the morning and his phone was blank. There hadn't been a call the week before either. John was growing increasingly worried for the boys. Tiredly though, he plugged his phone into its charger and laid back. If they didn't call by the next Friday, he was going to find them.

That amount of time was more than enough to break Sam though, more then enough time for him to kill himself. More than enough time to leave Dean, helpless over his dead brother's body. They had no choice… they would have to intervene. Nothing was going to hurt the boys. Ever so slowly they let themselves fall though time to a little house in Lawrence Kansas. It was time to stop this from going on any more. They had no other choice Sam wasn't going to be able to do this by himself.

A middle aged woman sat up in her bed hurriedly getting to her feet and pulling on her robe as she walked into her living room before sitting down in the middle of the room, inside an imbedded salted circle. She heard a knock on the door…she slowly closed her eyes opened her mind and aloud who ever it was to have access to her mind. Letting her head drop to her chest her mind was open to allow two people, rather beings, into her living room, into her mind.

The two beings stood in front of the psychic no words were needed, they could not talk all they needed to communicate was for the woman to open her locked mind and allow their messages in.

Flashes of pain, anguish and confusion erupted harshly into the physics mind. She didn't know who the sender was, but she knew it was bad. More things were sifted into her minds eye two possible outcomes… for the future. One had pain and confusion millions of people would be more affected by demons than ever before. The second was how it was now.. A single question was in the physics mind as she opened her eyes to gaze upon the bringers of this. Her eyes widened in shock, she hadn't read anything from them, for how swiftly they had wanted access. But now that she could look at them… She realized for the first time who they were. They were not angels they were not demons… they were something much much more powerful… they were the Winchester girls.

"It's Sam… and Dean?" The physic whispered realization sinking in. She hadn't moved from her spot on the floor facing the two deceased women. The tickling in her mind told her that she was right. This was bad… she feared that they might not have enough time to save the brothers… before it was too late. "It can't be!" She yelled clutching her head as more feelings of pain racked her mind. "How much time?" She whispered when her mind was let go. Mary's voice echoed through her head… _"Two days."_ The woman nodded her head… they had a lot to-do… she was already starting to feel her way towards the boys but was stopped roughly by another voice entering her mind. It was Jessica, "_Henry Tennessee_" And just like that, they were gone. The two most influential people in the entire family… were gone... as if they were never here… the physic was shocked, but pushed her wandering thoughts aside, she had one hell of a head ache and she had to get in touch with the boys father and fast.

_The boys!_ Was Johns first thought as he scrambled, yes John Winchester, mighty John Winchester scrambled as fast as he could to his phone lunging and clicking it on before the second ring muttering a quick hello before holding the phone sitting up and putting it back to his ear. His eyes were still closed he sighed, it was either Sam or Dean.

"John Winchester!" Missouri's voice echoed through the phone so loud that John had to move the phone away from his ear snapping into a state of mild awareness.

"Yes ma'am?" John asked, that tone always got him to do anything… damn that women.

"I heard that John." Missouri hissed annoyed. "John, listen carefully, something has gone terribly wrong, you have to get to Sam and Dean as fast as you can... with in the day… yes... No… maybe they meant Monday? It doesn't matter, you have to find them John, within the next two days... now get up go now!"

John was awake instantly and pulling on his pants listening to her talk, explaining what was going on. "Okay Missouri. I'm in Kentucky right now; I'll be there in around 6 hours… yes… yes I'll speed. No I won't get caught. No you can't… yes.. yes.. yes… YES! Okay thank you Missouri. Yes I'm ready to go. No I don't need anything else. Okay yes, okay Bye Missouri. Yes I'll call you when I get there. Yes.. yes.. I'm hanging up now… yes… sure you can do that. No… okay yes. Bye." John hung up his cell phone adrenaline racing through his body as he threw his stuff in his truck before climbing in. He left a wad of cash on the counter of the room as payment and sped off along the highway… his boys were in trouble.


	10. Chapter 10

Warning: Contains sever self-injury themes, and is very triggering to those who SI. Please be warned. Don't own don't sue by the way.

oOOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Sam didn't notice when the hits stopped coming, and he wasn't even aware that he wasn't aware that Dean wasn't hurting him anymore, that the physical blows had stopped. He could barely see out of his eyes, when he tried in vein kept them open. His left eye was swollen shut and the right was tinted red, never a good sign. He couldn't feel most of his body, aside from all the pain all he could think about was the pain. He had tried to get away, through the front door… and regretted the idea, from which he gained at least two cracked ribs.

Sam whimpered pathetically as his breathing hitched painfully in his chest. Sam's thoughts spun dizzily through his head, he was nothing more then a worthless pile of clothes for all his brother cared. And he was used as such, to be kicked and tossed around with out a care. Sam's blurred eye sought out the knife in the floor in front of him, grunting with the effort he strained his body to pull it out of the floor. He had been told that he would be allowed to use it on his own in due time, and at that moment, Sam wanted nothing more than to end the pain, end the misery, end his worthless life. Dean must have known what he was planning to do with the knife, and had a telephone book hurtling into his head the minute he rested the blade against his skin. Sam quickly dropped the knife and tried to protect him self as best he could as Dean came clambering over.

"Not yet Sammy boy! I still get to play with you." Dean sang pulling Sam's laptop over to them. Sam whimpered as Dean sat down in front of him, causing him to pull further back into the corner he was in. "look Sammy… its pretty little Jessica!" Dean faced the computer screen towards Sam, who hungrily took in the sight of his love. The picture was of Jessica and him. Slowly Dean reached forward to change the picture, morphing the then happy Jessica to a new one, a Jessica that was full of pain and anguish. Sam tried to tare his gaze away his heart breaking into a million pieces, Jessica… his Jessica… and all because of him. Dean grasped his chin in his hand forcing Sam to look at the next picture. A perfect image of Jessica on the ceiling, flames dancing majestically around her. Her face screwed up in pain, tears course stained red on her beautiful face. Sam tilted his head to look at the face of his beloved. Then as if time stood still he read the caption, and her voice trickled through his mind. It felt like sweet bliss, until the words registered and everything came crashing down. "You did this to me, you killed me Sam!" It kept repeating in his head again. He tried to look away but Dean forced his eyes to focus on the picture.

"Say it Sam." Dean whispered smiling wickedly. He could feel the pieces of Sam that had been whole breaking. He clicked the down arrow and another picture came up. It was a picture of Sam bending over Jessica's broken body. "Say it Sam."

"I did it." He said, his body shaking in agony. He has thus far been able to hold onto a small inkling that it maybe wasn't all his fault… but Jessica would never lie… and she just said it her self. And that sealed it. He had killed her… and if he had killed her as he had killed his mother. Just a few pictures did what Dean hadn't been able to; they had finally broken the youngest Winchester. The only true killer of the family.

Dean watched hungrily as the light in Sam's eyes dimmed, his body seemed to fold in on himself, his muscles going slack. Dean had done it. Now, now was the time. Smiling he moved the computer and stood up. "You killed them Sam! You killed both of them you worthless shit, you killed them." Dean kicked out at his brother who didn't resist. The momentum of the kick made his head snap back slamming the wall behind him. Dean laughed; there was no resistance at all. "Say it Sam say what you did." Dean waited for a moment, and Sam did not reply. Dean glared hatefully at the boy before pulling the man to his feet. Sam sagged against him for support. His eye snapping to Dean as he was half dragged into the bathroom. Dean shoved him roughly into the ledge of the sink. He hadn't made Sam do this in a while, a month maybe or so. Slowly a smile played across Deans charming face. "Say it. Say what you are." Dean grasped Sammy's hair in his hands making the man stare into his picture with his good eye, which twitched back and forth taking in his horrid reflection, but he did not speak. "SAY IT!" Dean yelled pushing harder on the smaller boy, causing him to cry out as his hips grinded into the unforgiving ledge of the sink.

"I." Sam whispered his eye staring at his reflection, then searching out Dean's face, there was no love in the eyes. Pure hatred radiated from them. "I… am… a… killer." He whispered tears falling down from his eyes, leaving a trail of clear skin on his dirty blood caked face. His eyes sought out Deans who was eyeing him hungrily. "I am a killer" he said again with more certainty.

"Again you worthless piece of crap." Dean growled.

"I am a killer. I am a worthless killer. I am bad. I meant to kill you. I am bad. Bad bad bad." Sam cried out reverting to what had been engraved in his head all those nights ago. Dean smiled and dropped Sam on the floor, before turning on the hot water and plugging the bathtub before leaving the bathroom.

When Dean returned he held in his hand, the knife, and a shirt. Sam didn't notice the sound of the ripping as Dean tore two strips off of the shirt before he roughly shoved the rest of it into Sam's mouth. Sam gagged his hands reaching up to take it out. Dean knocked his hands away and sent a powerful blow into him making him cease his fighting, his eyes going another shade lighter. Dean then took one of the strips that he had made and tied it around Sam's head tightly tying a knot in the back of it. Then gave Sam the knife.

oOOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Blackness is the only word that could describe what was in Sam, what Sam now was. Sam was thinking things slowly over in his drowned mind. All this pain could be gone, but the question was, did he deserve a reprieve from the pain? He had killed Jessica, his baby Jessica and his mother. He was responsible; he was marked as Bad ever since he was 6 months old. Why hadn't he seen it before? The signs were there… but Dean had always protected him. Dean had always said he was a good boy a good son, a good person, but then again, Dean had changed his mind. Bad bad. He was bad. He did deserve to die. He had killed two innocent people. Sam felt everything that was left of him crumbling slowly. It wasn't done breaking; no with every thought another part of him would slowly fade away to a place that he could never reach.

Sam's thoughts traveled to his brother… and the cold uncaring expression that he had on his face now. His brother had seen that he was bad, showed him that he was bad, and now was letting him end the bad in his own way. The knife was in his hands, Dean had given him this knife, before he had gone to Stanford, as a present…and was now giving it to him, not for protection, but for the ending of his life. It felt so heavy in his hands. So perfect. Life came at a heavy price, and this was it. Sam's eyes drifted down to his arm, lying limp almost in front of him. A large scab glaring back at him the stitches that his brother had put in were ripped apart. Sam didn't want to cut over it. He placed the tip of the knife to his wrist, pulling it across slowly deeply, savoring his self inflicted pain. It slowly collected before it cascaded down his arm dripping gracefully on his leg. He made another cut. Sam Sighed, his mind concentrating on the thrill of pain, something that he had caused. Slowly he made another cut, and then another.

"More do more." Lazily drifted into his ears, it was Dean. Dean was happy he was doing this, and he wanted to hear the happy Dean, so he made another cut. But Dean didn't say anything more, but that didn't stop him. One more cut and he would stop, Sam vowed silently as he made another cut, and one more to follow that. He couldn't stop. He didn't have the will to stop, deeper and deeper he cut. Finally he grasped the knife in his weakened and bloody left hand and made one last and fatal cut to his right forearm. Blood poured out with out beading; it dropped like a waterfall of crimson red. Sam's eyes slowly drifted closed as he collapsed to his side, hoping once again, that he would never awake.

Dean watched pleased with himself immensely and then as he watched the knife drop to the floor then helped Sam to his death. Pulling him up, cradling him like a baby Dean dumped him in the scorching water. Sam's eyes snapped open and he tried to scream in pain around the gag in his mouth. His arms trying to push himself out of the scorching water, he couldn't though; Dean wasn't even holding him down. His arms he saw the blood, blood was everywhere, the bathtub was filled with blood. He was loosing all his blood. Sam was panicking no no, this wasn't how it was supposed to end. Hotness it was so hot his arms were on fire, everything burned, and his mind ran from his body, into the back where no pain was felt. Sam's eyes stared ahead of him blankly. This was it. He couldn't stop it. He had wanted this, and now he had gotten it.

oOOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

John Winchester pulled his truck up along side his Son's impala dialing Missouri's number quickly. Listening to two rings before the woman picked up screeching that he needed to get to Sam now, or it was going to be too late. John hopped to it, grabbing his shot gun full of rock salt and sedatives and broke the door down to his Son's room. He barley kept from falling over as he entered the room his gun ready to fire. Dean had run out of the bathroom in attack mode lunging at his father. John did the only thing he could do when faced with a savage animal, he pulled up his shot gun and fired a couple of rounds of salt into his son. With one tranquilizer in there, not enough to kill, but enough to keep him knocked out for at least 24 hours.

John dropped his gun to the floor as he ran into the bathroom his stomach flip flopping painfully as he saw his son in the pool of blood. He went to his knees and hefted his baby boy out of the water, into his arms. He grabbed at the towel that was on the floor wrapping it tightly around Sam's arms, and pulled the gag out of his poor sons mouth watching breathlessly as there was a small intake of air. Then dialing 911 he yelled for an ambulance and rattled off the address before he hung up. Focusing on his son, they would get there in time. Sam's life depended on it, He could tell the still lived as his chest rise and fell rise and fell and stopped for a beat and then slowly rose again. John was terrified what was going to happen. He looked out the door and saw Dean lying there, he had to move him. Letting Sam go for an instant John shoved his oldest son under the bed before he rushed back to Sam checking for a pulse, it was there, but so weak he would scarcely call it a pulse. He cursed anything wholly who had let this happen to his Son, how he had let this happen to his son, his ears all the while listening for the blessed sounds of the ambulance.

oOOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Two hours later John had sent out a call to Father Jim to come help, and Missouri had called saying that she was also coming, to get to the bottom of this. They were both set to arrive in a few hours at most. This though left plenty of time for John to call in a favor from a friend at the police department and had a dispatch out looking for one Samuel Winchester, found missing two weeks before. When John had arrived at the hospital, Sam was already in intensive care, and quite a large nurse had sat him down in the waiting room, forcefully, and handed him a book on God and left saying that all he could do was wait. If nothing else, John Winchester was not a patient man.

John had done a mild check over Sam before the paramedics had arrived. What he found made his heart snap in two literally. The amount of bruising and pain that his boys body had was sickening. He was a hunter and he rarely saw such gruesome things. It was even worse knowing that it was on his sons brutally beaten body he was holding.

The minutes trickled by slowly, it seemed as though no one would ever tell him how his youngest son was doing. Finally thankfully a doctor with a balding head came out calling for the party of Winchester. John was instantly on his feet greeting the man.

"I'm John, his father, how is he?" The eldest Winchester asked breathlessly, the look on the doctor's face was not making the knot in his stomach feel any better.

"I'm Dr. Ragsdale. Mr. Winchester I have some good news and some bad news. Why don't you come with me I'll explain on the way to your Son's room." They began to walk down the halls of the hospital. John didn't bother to keep track of where they were going. "The good news is that physically your son will heal nicely, and only leave scars as reminders. There is no lasting damage. On of our nurses informed me that there was a watch out for him, so the Kansas police know that he's here, and relatively safe. You don't' need to worry about that Mr. Winchester any more." Dr. Ragsdale motioned their way into an elevator and punched a button before continuing. "The bad news though…" he began before changing his tactic, "Mr. Winchester though your son will physically fine, his mind might not be. He is unresponsive to us. His mind might not be able to recover, there is a possibility that he will, but in such trauma cases is quite a miracle if they recover. Persons who have gone though such physical abuse their minds will eventually, with no other option will recede into its self. It will hide inside its self to get away from the physical and emotion pain that he can't figure out how to cope with. Some will resort to Self-mutilation, in your son's case; he was trying to commit his own Suicide. There is evidence though that this has been going on for quite some time. Did you know about this?"

John shook his head, "No I didn't. His brother might have… but he died some months ago." He said solemnly.

"I'm sorry to hear that." The doctor continued, "Your son had no other choice. Weather or not he'll pull through, is on his will power. And if you can get through to him, loosing a loved one then going through this is hard to deal with, for people at any age. And he is still a young man… it might take sometime. But, I'll stop there. This is quite a lot to take in Sir. But please if you have any questions, the nurses have my pager number please do not hesitate to call or ask any questions about your Son's condition." The doctor gestured to the door to their left, room 777 John slowly turned the knob ignoring the doctor and entering his son's hospital room.

Walking over to his Son's bed John fell into the seat next to the bed. Looking over his injuries, or lack there of. Most of them were under striking white bindings, keeping them clean. His arms were bandaged heavily though John could see a few red spots seeping through. A catheter was hooked up to his sons chest, because the arms were so badly damaged, blood dripped into his son through it from a bag hanging next to his bed Along with a few other clear liquids. John Winchester could not take his eyes off of his pale son. His darling boy, the last child he had with Mary… John Winchester had trained his sons to never show emotion, never to cry, never to be weak. But the eldest Winchester could not keep his emotions in check as he looked upon his son. Tears that had waited a life time leaked out of his eyes and he let out in anguished sob, grasping his son's hand in his own as he laid his head down on the bed and let his emotions out.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

Mary Winchester watched the scene from the abyss that was unknown. Tears coursing down her own eyes, at her beloved's pain. All of her boys were far from well. This was just the beginning. This was the first attempt on one of their lives that would try and splinter them apart. The road ahead was unknown now, to even her. She watched though, weeping, wishing that she could do more. She did know one thing through all of this, she knew and felt how strong the bond between the Winchesters was, it was going to be near impossible to break them apart.

BAN/ There… the rescue… what do you all think? I made it long too! 6 pages almost! This chapter was really trying to write… really emotional and connecting. I'm sorry it has taken so long, so much has been happening to me. So much is going on. I won't bore you. I'm sorry its taken so long. I really am. So this is sorta like an end… I guess… If you want me to continue… let me know? I don't wanna end, but if you guys don't want me to I won't and if you do I'll continue and stuff. So let me know please? So yah… uh… review with your responses please! I love you all so much thank you!


	11. Chapter 11

AN/ … Hey… sorry I'm really sorry its been nearly a month since I'm updated. I'm really sorry. I took Chem B Bio A this summer… no time but studying. Hopefully I pulled off with a decent grade. I'm really sorry it took so long. The reviews you left to the last chapter were all wonderful thank you so much. Well I won't bore you so here's the next chapter :)

Next chapter:

John was distraught for the better part of an hour before he was able to finally stop the tears from coursing down his face. He wiped at his eyes angrily for showing such a weak emotion. But as his eyes drifted back to his son, he felt the heart clenching fear that his son might never wake up. He didn't have much time to dwell on the subject as the door burst open, and a very annoyed psychic came bursting into the room, followed by a silent priest.

"You John Winchester cut it far too close. You'd think when it was your own SON'S in DANGER that you would drive a wee bit faster." Missouri launched straight off glaring harshly at the older man. "Don't look at me like that!" She snapped irritably turning away from the eldest Winchester to look at the little boy, she almost felt was her own. Her eyes drifted back to John and raised her eye brows at him. John, as a dutiful boy should, gave up his chair to the a lady who in turn promptly sat down sweeping locks of hair out of Sam's face.

John looked at his old friend, Father Jim "How long?" He asked, referring to the physic's annoyance, he could understand where it was coming from; it just wasn't very often that the woman go off on one of them. Jim shrugged his shoulders, before giving John a hug and a pat on the back. Which John didn't want to admit but needed a great deal.

"Take Dean to this address," Missouri handed Jim a piece of paper with out looking back at the men. "Its been prepared with a sturdy cage that nothing can get out of." She gave them a pointed look that made them forget about what ever doubt had been in there minds about this so called 'anything.' "He needs to be tied too boys. You won't do this on your own I know that much", here eyes spoke volumes compared to her blank face. "No John, now don't even think about it. Yes you have to tie him up. Stop it John, You will do it." She glared at the man in question shrunk away from the woman nodding his head, looking like a scolded child. The woman's eyes then snapped to Jim. "Get that look off your face! Go now! Get out of here!" She all but yelled swiveling in her chair looking at her boy again. She heard them go, and could sense their agitation with the situation and with herself. She couldn't help it. There was only so much a physic could take when someone she cared about this much was in such a dire state.

Missouri shook her head, a chill sweeping down her spine as she felt the pain that Sam was in. The pain wasn't physical, it was far worse, it was mental. That was the hardest to fix, or help fix. Though she was a physic she could not just snap her fingers or wiggle her nose and Sam would be fine. She could help to a certain extant, but Sam would have to choose to come back on his own. She could only hope that he was strong enough on his own. Slowly Missouri sent out her senses around her checking where the nurses were, they weren't coming in any time soon. Maybe an hour or so before they'd be here this gave her time.

Slowly Missouri placed one hand on Sam's forehead and the other on his chest and shut her eyes. This would be difficult for her, and even Sam. But she had to know what she was dealing with.

OOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Darkness.

Echo's of a life something that he couldn't feel.

Nothing passed through him, nothing could touch him.

He shirked away from Dean, he was there, coming at him. Gone. Dean was gone. Black nothingness.

His dad was there, not. Daddy didn't cry. Only when mommy died did he cry. No one cried.

Sammy cried. But got yelled at. Sammy was a bad boy.

Sammy was smacked and beaten. Sammy was a bad boy.

Soothing words, hate hate full words. All of them bad bad words. Nothing good.

Black. Everything black no light. No no no, horrible bad things.

Red eyes in the distance, sparkling as if on fire. Staring watching, waiting.

Pain his body was in pain. Hits fell down. Nothing was real.

Dean, was hurting him. Always hurting. Stop stop! Bad stop bad. Please stop. No they won't stop. Bad bad Sam is bad.

Nothing. Nothing nothing. Nothing was there. Nothing was there, blackness emptiness.

"Sammy." His name. No no one knew his name. "Sammy dearie wake up." No no no Sam was bad, Sammy was bad Sammy got hurt. No one loved bad. He was bad. Have to hide.

Darkness hide must hide. The dark have to hide in the darkness. Everywhere is dark. Where to hide? All is light in the darkness. No where to hide. Sit and wait. Corner. Where is it? Huddle in the corner. Wait for it. He will come. A belt in his hand, a mirror to expose the badness within.

OOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

John hefted his eldest son out of the trunk of his truck. When had the boy gotten so heavy? It didn't matter. Jim picked up Dean's feet and helped his long time friend get through the door of an old two story house on the edge of town, far enough away that no one would hear anything that might, and would happen.

The two men worked silently. No words were needed, though neither of them wanted to speak. Neither knew what exactly went on, just that it seemed that Dean had done this to Sam. Which in itself was pretty out there, Dean had always been the protector. All his life he looked out for his little brother. Neither man could figure it out. There eyes traveled the room that they soon found themselves in. The house wasn't really a house, more as if it was a big garage the outside was for show. It seemed as if who ever had gotten the place ready for them had everything that they would need, and then some.

Once Dean was situated in the cage, both men though it a little weird to think that they were putting Dean _in_ a cage. Then tied him up tightly, John winced as he knotted the rope tying his eldest son's to the back of the chair. He knew that any resistance would cause the rope to pull and to tighten. The more he resisted the more pain it would cause him. It was necessary that Dean was in no way able to get out of it.

Closing the door John looked at his friend. "No lock?" He asked stupidly, sleep, lack of sleep that was what he would blame that stupid comment on. Jim pointed to the ceiling. John followed his friend's finger, and was stunned. The ceiling was adored in something that well, just looked plain threatening and no doubt would keep Dean in place, seeing that it was inline directly to the cage that was bolted down into solid cement flooring. The Ceiling was something that neither man had seen before. But knew, instinctively that who ever Missouri had gotten to do this, was out of both of their leagues. With an unspoken agreement the men left the house to get back to the hospital to the boy that they both held dear in their hearts.

OOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Missouri Mosley fretted about the hospital room after having gotten away from Sam's mind. What had happened was much stronger then she had though it would be. This needed to be settled soon. She knew that the men would be back soon and want some answers, and frankly she just wasn't ready to give them up, she was still making sense to them. Yes the men dealt with the paranormal… but saying, I talked to your dead wife and was to be daughter in law, just didn't seem like it would go over well at all.

A small nurse came through the door, Missouri cursed herself for being so caught in thought that she hadn't noticed that someone was coming. "Hello." Missouri said stepping from behind the door; where she had been brooding. The small nurse jumped spinning on the her.

"Oh! Hello!" She squeaked out trying to calm herself. Missouri had to hold back a smirk to what the young lady was thinking. This young nurse was doing something against the rules with a doctor… Missouri logged that in her mind, just in case she needed some other leverage. Good or bad, Missouri like John, had no limits when it came to family, she would bend the rules as she pleased if it was to help one of her boys. "I'm just here to check up on Samuel-"

"Sam" Missouri interrupted distractedly shifting her eyes back to the unconscious boy. "He likes to be called Sam."

"Oh!" The nurse, who was becoming quite obnoxious jotted it down on his chart. "It's nothing much really that I need to do. Just check his vitals and such." She placed Sam's chart on the tab that was located on the foot of the bed and walked to the side of the bed and looked at the different monitors then checking the bag that was attached to the side of the bed which had urine in it. She tutted at this. "I think I might need to call doctor Ragsdale, there's some blood in his urine." The little nurse chided retreating from the room.

Missouri cursed and glanced at the bag. It was indeed tinted pink. She really didn't know much about it. But she knew that it wasn't a good thing, kidneys were a tricky business. "My poor boy." The physic whispered once again sitting down next to Sam. "What are we going to tell them hm?" Her mind went over what she had seen/felt though the connection that she had made. She knew that Sam had been hurt, but by who, it seemed questionable. From what she felt, it had been Dean, but that was fairly hard to imagine. Though she knew that Dean was capable of hurting the boy lying unconscious in front of her, but that was in the past that neither boy remembered much about it. Dean wouldn't ever intentionally hurt his little brother. Something had snapped, or had driven the Winchester boy to do this. What though? What had tripped the wire that set the train in motion? That was the question that needed to be solved. That's what had to be found out.

"Sammy, must everything be so difficult with you? Your not a teenager, you would think when you got older it would be easier." Missouri chided lightly to the young man who made no movement of hearing her. "It'll be easier when you wake up darling." She whispered as she heard the door open behind her.

John and Jim were silent as they walked through the hospital towards the youngest Winchesters room. Both men were thinking what there long time friend had been thinking about… what would have driven the protector… into the hunter of his own brother? Walking in the room the felt the tension first, the air felt heavy, used. They knew instantly that the minute that they had left to deal with Dean, that Missouri had done something to see what she could do… mind wise.

"Its going to be hard. But he'll make it. I'll make sure of it." Missouri said as the door shut quietly behind the men. She took a deep breath before continuing motioning to the open chairs in the room. "I'll tell you what I know." Her eyes lingered on John; she knew that he had been crying before they had gotten there. She knew that though he fought with his youngest son the most, he loved him none the less. The men did as they were told… considering both of their spirits, they toed the line when dealing with Missouri Mosley.

"John, there is no easy way to say this." Missouri cut to the point. "Mary and Jessica paid me a visit last night. I had a dream… a feeling of pain. Such pain that I nearly lost myself in it. They said that Sam was hurt. That he would die, that he would take his own life. Jessica gave me the address, and I called you John. You almost didn't make it. I can feel sometimes what others are thinking. And since it was so soon after the meeting.. I could feel there panic. You almost didn't make it John, Samuel almost died." Missouri said closing her eyes against the tears that threatened to fall. Neither man said a word waiting, hoping the woman would continue. "I don't know anything else. They didn't say what was happening. Just that he would die. I don't know fully what happened. I got the feeling... that something made Dean do this. I don't know what. And I don't know when. But… with a few hours of working with Sam, I think I'll be able to see some of that he's gone through in the past few days. Just a little, I will not be raiding his mind. Just a few peeks to see what were dealing with." The physic sighed looking at the boy lying on the bed.

"Mary?" John asked quietly his eyes downcast staring intently at the floor.

"Yes John." Missouri confirmed quietly keeping turned away from the man. It was easier on him when he didn't have an audience when he was dealing with his emotions. She knew, as strong as the man was, when it came to life and death for his son's… he had a problem. The family was each others biggest strength and its worst weakness. Put one against the other… the men would falter. Love never ran stronger then it did in the silent bond that was between the men.

"What do we do till then?" Jim asked, the unspoken question quietly folding his hands together and leaning against his knees toward Sam's bed. No one answered quickly none of them had a solid answer. The best that each of them could come up with was wait. Though that wasn't going to happen.

"Someone will have to keep watch over Dean." John said quietly swallowing hard. His mind flashing to the feral look that he had seen in his sons eyes. "Possession I reock'n… Dean would never attack me like he did when I opened the door" John let his sentence trail off. He hadn't told them what he had seen.. found. Missouri turned in her chair and Jim looked straight at him. John shifted in his chair shifting his eyes downwards once again.

"I talked to Missouri and rushed out of the room I was staying at and raced to where she had told me to go. I noticed the impala right away and went straight to the front of the room and slammed the door open." John's eyes drifted close as he retold the events that played against his eye lids to his friends. "The minute I opened it Dean was lunging at me with this just crazed and wild look in his eyes. Like a predator that was going to eat." The mans voice hitched painfully in his chest for a moment. "I shot him and went to Sammy called the paramedics and came here." He finished quickly looking at the floor intently.

Dr. Ragsdale walked through the door at the perfect time saving John from any harsh questions at that moment. "Hello, Mr. Winchester." He nodded to Missouri and Jim, who were at the ready.

"Hi." John's voice sounded particularly coarse. He was terrified what the doctor would say about his son.

"I just came to confirm what was found earlier." He walked around Sam's bed and looked at the bag which had rose a littler from where it had been before and was a darker shade of pink. "Your son might have some kidney damage. There is blood in his urine. Its nothing to worry about yet. So please do not be alarmed. We are going to be putting him up to antibiotics for that. The rest of his body is reacting well to the treatment. Everything is looking good; there is nothing to worry about. "Dr. Ragsdale paused at the looks that every one was giving him. "He's doing well. Though its only been a few hours. There already is progress. This will take time and effort. His body is more then capable to heal, his mind-"

"His mind is just fine." The physic snapped irritably her eyes drifting to the boy on the bed. This ended the conversation harshly leaving the three conscious men reeling from the ferocity in the woman's voice. Sensing that there was nothing else that he could say or do, Dr Ragsdale left the hospital room quietly and left the family alone to digest the information that he had given them.

AN/ So yes.. I'm out of summer school so I'll have the next chapter up as soon as I can! Please review and let me know if you still like it?


	12. Chapter 12

Hey all, I'm sorry its taking so long… I seem to have written myself into a er… block. I'm working my way through it slowly I'm sorry! Please don't hate me? and if you don't, which I hope you don't, thank the wonderful Mae because she is the one that made me write this chapter and got me started cause.. she's… er… cruel?.. wonderful? Pleasant? Righty. Sorry it's so short. I figured I'd give you something rather than nothing. So yes… thank you all for bearing with my slowness. Here's the chapter! (I think you'll like it) I was gonna beg and stuff for reviews... but… I won't… cause I have self control…

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When Dean woke up his first though was of the pain in his head. The second was of the fact that even the great Dean Winchester got hang overs. He tried to shrug to his feet but noticed quickly that he was tied, and with a bit of a fight he realized that he wasn't just tied, he was Winchester tied. His father had been here. "What the fuck! Dad?" he yelled into the surrounding darkness. "Why am I tied to a fucking chair? Dad? Sammy?" Images rushed to his head at the thought of his little brother, none of them making much sense, blood, Sammy, Sammy in blood in bloody water, shower, that was all. These broken flashes were all he could grasp his breathing quickened "SAMMY!" Dean yelled knowing what it meant, Sam was bleeding to death in a shower.

No response came to the young hunter as his panicked eyes finally took in his surroundings, understanding almost immediately that this was not good. He called out again for his father, for Sam, for anyone. No one answered. Dean frantically scanned the enclosure, maybe a demon had taken him. But that didn't explain why his restraints were one that only the eldest Winchester could make. Dean tried to get his hands loose only to have the ropes tighten painfully around his wrists. He wasn't getting out. He only hoped that it wasn't too long before his father came back for him, and more importantly, that someone had gotten to Sammy first.

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In the youngest Winchesters room there had been little improvement. The blood had stopped coming with the young mans urine putting everyone's mind at ease. Dr. Ragsdale had been in and out twice and yet the boy would not wake. Dr. Ragsdale was constantly telling them that it only been a few hours; it couldn't be expected for boy to awaken that soon. This didn't really make any of the family feel any better.

The silence was broken by a soft cough from Father Jim, he hated to break the comfortable and tense silence; yet things had to be done. "What are we going to do with Dean? Sam is good here _safe _here but what about Dean?" He questioned rubbing his hands over his face; he hated imagining that Dean had something to do with Sam being in the hospital. His eyes briefly glanced at the sterile white bandages that surrounded his wrists, before snapping back to the floor.

Neither Missouri nor John made a movement in answering the question. Silently Jim counted to ten, it took ten seconds for John to answer, it took ten minutes for John to take a shower, it took ten minutes for John calm down at his youngest son, ten was his lucky number.

"I think Missouri and you should go back to the cage, warehouse, Dean." John mumbled trying to find a suitable word for the what ever it was where Dean was tied up in. "I'll stay here with Sam and keep talking to him. It's best to find out what's going on with Dean first and foremost." It was an unspoken fact that John right now, was playing the mother hen in his reluctance to leave his youngest, the last thing that Mary touched... John moved along quickly. "Missouri, you'll be able to find something out faster then anyone. I have my cell phone." He nodded toward the table next to Sam's bed.

"Count this one for you John Winchester that sounds like a plan." Missouri nearly growled out momentarily looking towards the boy in the bed, sighing, this was the best they could do for now. She winked slowly at John, enjoying the smile that she had placed on his face. Missouri Mosley did not agree with many things that oldest hunter came up with; most of them were the walk-in-shoot-walkout sort of thing. "Call us if there is any change" She said walking out the door; Jim nodded his head good bye before following her leaving the Winchesters alone.

John took up Missouri's chair almost instantly pulling himself up close to his son. He leaned his head against the railing of the bed staring at Sam. "Did I ever tell you about the first time that you had a nightmare? And I honestly didn't know what to do. Dean did a dance, if he was here now I bet that he would do it for you Sammy because when he did it you'd laugh so hard it was wonderful. The look in your eyes was so alive and vibrant. Sam son you have to wake up." John whispered grabbing hold of Sam's pale hand. "I need to see that light again Sammy." His eyes were what had to keep him sane. Mary had said that she loved his eyes because they made her thing of her favorite candy, and that's what Sammy was, her sweetest little delight. "Sammy wake up, you need to wake up." John all but begged before taking a deep breath racking his memory for something some story he could tell his son.

Fighting the pain that it caused him to say John found the perfect memory, the memory that no matter where Sam was it would make him come back to them it was the story of the day that he and Mary met. "Well I'm not going to lie to you Sammy; it wasn't the best introduction-" He began swallowing the pain that it caused but figured if you wanted something back that bad you would go through any pain to get it.

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Somewhere in the coldness of Sam's mind he stirred being able to barely grasp onto his fathers voice. Feeling the warmth that it held made the darkness feel lighter, he latched onto the voice the best he could, he didn't want to be alone anymore in his darkness. Physically his eyes remained closed his hand though slowly, weakly grasped his fathers, as his mind started to awaken.


	13. Chapter 13

AN/ I'm going to China in lest then a month. I've been completely busy and have had the writers block from hell. I mark on my calendar when my last update was…. I'M SO SORRY! Well here is something short. Hopefully it will be enough to keep you all from hating me. I'm so so so sorry.

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It seemed like years before Sam had enough of listening to his father talk about his mother. As much as he yearned for it there was something nagging at him; something was missing in the room. Something that was mixed well with pain and fear, but also longing. There was something missing that he was blocking out so hard he had no idea what it was. He just had to grasp it and things would be better. Slowly his eyes drifted open. He didn't have the energy to move them he was just staring at the ceiling.

"The car was really hers its hard to believe that it would be hers. That's why it is so special to me." John was still talking then he as if on cue looked into the dim eyes of his youngest son. The chocolate brown eyes that he had wanted to see so badly. "Hey Sammy." He said quietly slowly reaching up and hitting the call button for the nurses station Sam's eyes blinked tiredly drifting close again on there own accord. Lightly John tapped the side of Sam's face. "Stay with me Sammy." He said slightly panicked that his son would drift back under and be unresponsive once again.

The nurses came running and set to work instantly taking control and calling for the doctor. John was pushed aside so they could fully work on the patient checking all of his stats in awe. None of them had expected him to wake up this soon. One thing about Winchesters, you couldn't keep them down for long.

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Missouri and Father Jim got back to the holding house in little under a half an hour. Jim was not too happy about going back in to the room to see one of his favorite people in the world tied to a chair. Missouri was indifferent. She didn't know fully what was happening but she knew that emotions for the time being could not get in the way. She needed her mind clear to be able to fully read the hunters mind. If something was in there she needed to be able to find out what it was.

"Jim! Missouri!" Dean yelled as they walked in his eyes going bright with the thought of being let loose. He did not like being tied up. "Where's Sam? And my dad?" His questions echoed around the room. He stopped talking taking in the solemn expressions of his family. "Where is Sam?" He asked quietly as Missouri and Jim got to the front of his cage his eyes jumping between them.

"It would be best if you did not talk Dean." Jim said quietly walking into the cage first Missouri following behind him quietly, her eyes never leaving Dean's face reading every emotion and thought that drifted across it.


	14. Chapter 14

AN:: Do you all hate me? I'm soooo soooo soooo sorry. I know this isn't the 10 pages promised but er… stuff happened that prevented me from having any time to write anything, or even read anything!! I'm going threw withdrawal… I got back from china, it was great, and a new trimester started… AP US history has left me with enough time for a shower a day and 4-5 hours of sleep, if I'm lucky. I'm so sorry. I'm working on the next chapter please forgive me? I know its short but I had to fight three different people off with a stick for time on the computer. Happy Christmas everyone (and holidays) if I don't get another chapter up before Christmas, which I'm trying to do. Okay, on with the story, I'm soooo sorry…. Please don't hate me?

Chapter….

Sam's head pounded as his eyes finally drifted open. The only light in the room were the glows that the monitors made, the beep and click keeping a steady rhythm with his breathing. The pounding in his head worsened as his eyes scanned the room slowly. He was alone. Where was his father? Where was Dean? At the thought of his brother a shiver of fear pierced his heart making his entire body jerk. Slicing pain coursed through his body, a whimper escaped his lips as he tried to gain control of his body. It jerked and shuddered in pain, creating more and more of it driving the young hunter to the edge of passing out when the lights in the room were switched on and a woman and a man came running in. The woman reached him first and tried to soothe him. Sam wasn't calming down as he tried to hide away from the blinding lights and the hands that were touching him trying to calm him down. A scream ripped from his lips as pain coursed through his entire body and then suddenly Sam's body went deathly still as his eyes rolled back into his head and his mind went black into the peaceful bliss of unconsciousness.

"What's going on?" The eldest Winchester questioned coming to a screeching halt in front of the door. He had heard Sam's scream from the elevator and came running, an air of panic built around him when he heard silence come from his sons hospital room.

The woman nurse, a brunette with a slender build turned away from him placing a syringe in the dispenser upon the wall. "Mr. Winchester woke up and tried to move, creating waves of pain to erupt from his injuries. We had to sedate him to prevent him from further injuries. He will awake soon, this is not permanent." She tried to explain as the Doctor on duty checked Sam's stats writing things in Sam's chart.

John's shoulders dropped in momentary defeat; he had missed Sammy waking up. He should have been here to calm him down. He made the decision that he was not leaving this room again. "I.. thank you." He managed, fatigue setting in. It had been too long since he had slept in a bed. "Thank you." He said again walking farther into the room, slumping into his chair next to Sam's bed.

The nurse and doctor left the room soon there after. Not saying a word to him as he rested his head on his son's bedside, a quite humming coming from him. "Sammy… god Sammy you need to wake up again. You need to get better." John whispered gripping Sam's hand suddenly a fierce light burning deep with in his eyes. "Sammy you did it before you need to wake up. This can't go on Sam. You fight this Sam. You will wake up Sam!" John growled out in anger and pain. He let go of Sam's hand and gripped his own in his lap clenching his fists. What was he supposed to do? Dean was being held and interrogated, and Sam was… stuck in the hospital. "Marry…" John whispered letting his head fall to the side of the bed.

Sam's hand slowly and weakly reached out and lightly rested it against his fathers head, needing the comfort that his father was so plainly giving him. Both Winchesters for the first time in a very long while, slept fitfully, not knowing the pain that the following days would bring them.


	15. Chapter 15

AN:// Hi!! Do you all hate me? I'm so sorry. I'm back to writing again. I got past my mental block I think. And I've been stuck in AP US History so I've been drowning in work. I"ll have more time now that this trimester is over. So here is a new chapter! Another one I promise will come soon!!

Missouri Shifted through Deans mind, this caused him great pain but he was not succumbing to it. Not when he had been thristing for what had been happening to his brother that he couldn't remember, he wanted to know what he had done. Missouri kept going until a growl that ripped through Deans mind almost made her loose her hold on it.

Missouri tried to be careful not knowing what it was, her main idea was that it was a demon. What ever it was attacked her harshly in defense she threw up mental walls keeping it trapped in Dean's mind. In the attack though it left itself open and Missouri dove in.

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The point of which she was viewing was from up high, the ceiling almost. Below her she saw Dean being held down by another person, a blue glow coming from its fingers, which were pressed against Dean's scull.

"I'll fix you" The thing said not seeing that Sam was coming up beind him until it was too late and Sam had struck him causing him to collapse over Dean. Sam shoved him off of him quickly. Just as he was doing this Missouri dove into Dean who was mentally unable to ward off any mental attacks. This was all she needed. Missouri pulled out of Deans mind, her own reeling violently, her stomach turning at what she had seen.

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Jim ran to help Missouri up from the floor where she had fallen. "What was there?" He asked his eyes worriedly scanning over Dean and then Missouri.

Missouri shook her head sadly, "Demonic possession." Jim's heart leapt, they were going to send this son of a bitch back to hell.

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Sam tiredly yawned his eyes shifting around his room. His father had been sent back to the hotel to get some rest, as the hospital staff worried about his mental stability. A soft knock on the door of Sam's room kept him from returning to sleep. Light flooded through the door way as a woman in a suit walked into his room. She pulled up a chair next to him getting situated and then turned her bright blue eyes on him.

"Good morning Samuel. My name is Danica Prowel. I'm here to talk to you about," She waved her elegantly manicured hand at Sam's wrists.

"Hi." Sam said weakly his eyes shifting towards the door willing his father to come through it to save him.

"Can you tell me what you've been going through?" Danica asked pulling out a folder and a pen watching Sam closely as he fidgeted with his covers.

"I… Uh… I was hurt… and I um… wanted… wanted…. Wanted it to…" Sam paused swallowing a lump in his throat, stuttering over the words roughly.

"Stop? End?" Danica questioned softly. Sam nodded his head keeping his eyes down away from her as tears built behind them. "Can you tell me why?"

"I…. was…. hurt." Sam said quietly trying to keep his voice even.

"How were you hurt?"

"I was kidnapped." Sam said as the first tear fell down his cheek when he peered up at Danica through his shaggy bangs. He looked like a little child no older then 12, his eyes were hidden and fear had clouded over his face.

Danica nodded her head and wrote quickly in the folder before she shut it again and tried to make eye contact with Sam, who avoided it. "You were hurt?" She pressed, she had 4 other cases to do and she wanted to get this over with.

Sam's body shuddered at being forced to recall what had happened. "Hit." He answered more tears starting to fall silently down his face. Danica sighed loudly making Sam continue. "He hit me, with a belt… hands… books…" He whispered his vision blurred through the tears. "Said I should kill myself…" Sam tried to lift his arm but couldn't manage the energy to. "Gave me mmmmy brrooothers knife."

"What did you do with it?" Danica pushed harder, knowing the answer already.

"I cut myself." Sam said plainly glaring blurrily at Danica. His heart was beating fast his eyes were loosing focus. Numbly is left hand fumbled around until it found the nurse button and hit it.

"Mr. Winchester…" Danica called standing up tapping Sam's face trying to wake him up. Sam wouldn't have it and faded to the blessed world of black.


	16. Chapter 16

AN:// Horribly depressed, so I wrote a chapter. Hope you like it. Chick Flicky moment I suppose. Please review?

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It felt as if Sam was listening to the surrounding voices from somewhere far away. There was s soft murmur that seemed to be coming from even farther, a deep voice. He couldn't make out they were saying. It was just soft talking. He wished that he could know who they were. But at least not knowing might keep him safe.

Sam tried to squint against the blinding light that was flashed into his eyes, he whimpered for it to go away. And it did momentarily before it flashed to his other eye. "Please" he whimpered trying to pull away. "no more." He felt tears on his face. He didn't want anything anymore. He wanted to be left alone. He didn't want to be in the hospital. He wanted to go home….

A pang of remorse coursed through his heart. He had no home. His only brother hated him, his father moved around so much there was no point in going to him. He wanted a home. He needed a home, he would have had one if Jessica was alive.

He had killed her. He had killed his precious beautiful girl of his dreams. He had killed her just as he had killed his mother.

"I killed them." Sam whispered trying to let out the pain that he felt. "I'm sorry…" he whimpered as if hit. "I'm sorry please no more." Sam pleaded "I'm sorry. I killed them. I'm sorry" he cried trying to convince someone.

John went to his son's side. His blood running cold as he heard what he was saying. Behind him a weak and pale Dean stood, his back pressed against the wall of the room. "Sammy." Dean whispered his heart feeling as if it would drop out of his chest by the amount of pain was sent through it every time Sam spoke.

John watched his oldest son closely; he had just gotten to the hospital with Missouri and Father Jim and was terribly weak, the demon had been in control for so long that Dean had no energy left. Dean staggered slowly across the room to his brother's bedside and sat down on the chair next to it. Shaking he placed his hand over Sam's that rested above the blanket.

"Sammy." Dean said softly again tears coming to his eyes. Sam stopped all movement, the tears even stopped falling down his eyes. "No one is going to hurt you again Sammy." Dean promised Sam tried to get away slightly Dean held strong. "Sammy, its Dean, I'll never hurt you again. I'm your big brother Dean." He whispered tears falling down his face as Sam tilted his head in his direction and opened his eyes ever so slightly.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to kill them." Sam pleaded locking his eyes with Deans

"No… no no no no no kido. No." Dean said quietly but urgently. "You didn't kill them. You've never killed anybody. Never." Sam shook his head and opened his mouth to reply. "No Sammy. You have never killed anyone."

"But but I killed them" Sam pleaded shaking his head.

"No Sam. No. I was wrong. You have never ever killed anyone." Dean said whipping the tears away from Sam's cheek, who leaned into the touch of his older sibling that wasn't brutal and mean.

"I didn't kill them?" He questioned his eyes drifting closed slowly. Dean shook his head confirming that he didn't.

Dean slowly pushed Sam over and got up on the side of the bed cautious not to hurt his brother any more then he already had. He carefully slid one arm under his little brother's body and draped his other one across the top of him, holding him closely. He then laid his head next to his brother's ear and slowly whispered "You didn't kill them" again and again. John slowly left the room to find out what happened in detail with Dean but for now Sam would be safe with Dean.


	17. Chapter 17

BAN:// I'm not going to say anything. I have 4 chapters already written I'll post another one in a few days. I'm sorry is the most I can say, and er enjoy and comment, because commenting does make me write!!

Chapter 17- Justification

John walked out in to the hall rubbing his face tiredly, he was getting too old for this. He looked around wearily and then at his watch, going on 43 hours of no sleep, he was getting good at this.

"John!" Father Jim called to him carrying a blessedly large cup of steaming hot coffee. "Dean in there?" He asked handing the cup to his old friend, John nodded silently. Missouri came up behind though she was sporting a fragrant herbal tea that made John scrunch his nose up from the stench. A glare from the psychic made him avert his attention to other things.

"So…?" John asked cautiously trying to get one of them to talk about what had happened with Dean. He had saw the marks on his eldest son's wrists, it wasn't pretty that was all he could say about it. Missouri shook her head slowly taking a sip of her putrid smelling tea before she began.

"It was horrific John." Missouri began swirling her tea almost seeing the scenes play out in front of her in the steaming liquid. "It's been going on, at least 4 months now. I can't tell you a specific date when it started. I just know that it was ugly. Some job they were on, it a hospital I think, Sam shot Dean, he was possessed or something was going to posses him. When Dean snapped out of it he wasn't entirely happy." John looked anywhere but at his friends, his gaze un-focusing painting the pictures in his head. "Dean started getting drunk because of what had happened, he couldn't believe that Sam had actually shot him, and from what I can gather the demon just took over. At first I suppose when Dean was drunk, and then it gained more power and eventually took him over completely." Missouri summed it up in a quick nice neat packaged nutshell.

Taking a large gulp from his drink John slowly worked up the courage to ask what he could barely think. "Why…" He paused swallowing hard thinking of Mary momentarily on the ceiling staring at Sam. "Why…" Her brown eyes in pain, Sam's eyes in pain. "Why did he try…?" Fucking hell, this was hard for him to say. "Why did he try to…" He paused one final time before looking at Missouri straight on. "why did he try and kill himself?" There he said it. The heart he tried to forget he had gave a painful throb as tears threatened to fall.

Jim let out a breath he was holding, he knew how hard that was for his old friend. John was never good with words, but to say something as that… of suicide… was hard for anyone. He let his heart go out to his friend, willing him to stay strong.

"That I don't know. I know only when he did it. Dean taunted him, forced him to do it. The demon was going to gain something from it. I don't know what, but what ever reason, the demons purpose was to torture Sam enough, to get him to kill himself." John with pent up anger threw his Styrofoam cup against the wall coffee spilling over the walls and onto the floor. Before it finished falling John had spun and was pounding his fist into the opposite wall as hard as he could. The tears fell down his cheeks angrily he wiped them away.

"Why!" He yelled in anger. "Why my boys? They've been through enough. God damnit I swear to god when I find it I'll kill it. I'll bring it back to life, and I'll kill it." John yelled his hand bleeding from the continuous beating of the wall.

Jim and Missouri watched helplessly as they watched the oldest Winchester breaking down. There was much that the hard man could handle, he could be a downright bastard. But truthfully when his sons came into harms way, there was only so much he could take. What few remembered sometimes, was that he was in fact the boys Father. He still had parental instincts, and feelings, he tried to hide them yes, but when Mary died he got hers too it would seem at times. At this moment, he was feeling it for the both of them.

John fell back against the wall, sliding down and collapsing on the floor. There was too much to take in. It was unimaginable that Dean would do this, he knew of course that it hadn't really been Dean, the over protective Dean that they had all known and loved. What little he had heard from now Missouri and what Sam had mumbled off an on he could put together a foggy image of the pain… the torture and agony of what Sam had gone through.


	18. Chapter 18

BAN:// If you love me you'll leave me wonderful comments!!!!! I couldn't wait, I had to post today hehe!

Chapter 18- Justification

Deans mind was racked with memories. What Missouri had seen was the simple things that had happened. The more tolerable things that had done to his brother. His dreams were a passage into the more horrific things that he had done to Sammy, the worst thing was that even when he awoke everything was still there.

He could barely believe all of what he had done to him. How could he have ever let something take a hold of him? How could he have let something with his own hands hurt his brother so badly? His dreams depicted things in horrific detail. How he had watched Sam slice away at his arm, trying to slowly stop the pain that he felt throughout his body. There were so many images of Sam hurting himself, all because of him. To dean seeing his little brother with a knife in his hand slicing away at himself was killing him, almost more then the guilt at what the had done.

Some things stood out more then he could have imagined. How he had hurt his brother with his just words. He knew so much, he knew how Sam ticked, how on earth could he have used it against him? If he didn't have the memories of doing so Dean could never have imagined it. He remembered how he would hold Sam's head up, forcing his little brother to look in the mirror, at his own reflection, he would force him to look, and repeat that he was a killer, that he was worthless, that he deserve what he was given. In return Dean would do nothing to stop him, he would keep urging his little brother on. How could he have done that to him? He was the older brother! He was supposed to take care of Sam, not… not turn into his ultimate tormentor. Dean forced himself to keep from throwing up.

Dean wondered to himself, the dark side of himself, if he really believed any of what he had said. Did he think of any of those things now? He thought hard, remembering so much of what he said. And he felt anger rise through him, anger at himself. The words that he had spoken were so false and that they were sickening. He never once thought his brother a murderer, or a waste of space, or worthless. His brother had to be one of the smartest people that Dean knew, that kid could figure out anything; there was no way that he was worthless.

Dean was brought out of his trance at he heard the commotion outside the room. He knew what was going on. He knew that his father knew what a terrible animal he had been. Slowly he looked at his brother. His eyes traced their way to his arms. He sucked in a breath as he lightly felt the cuts and scars that littered his brother's arms. How could he have let this happen? In his minds eye he saw Sam cutting himself, saw the blood that would fall. He wished more then anything that he had been in Sam's place. His brother didn't disserve this. He didn't deserve any of this. Then the idea hit him. Could he take the place of his brother? Dean's heart beat quickly, if he could find a demon to turn back time… No. Dean stopped his thoughts quickly. As much as he wished he could, he could never do that, he was taught never to bargain with a demon, with his rotten luck, he would get the both of them killed. But that option would always lie in the back of his mind.

Dean stared at the face of his little brother, sleeping it would seem peacefully. He was scared though of what was really going on in his little brother's mind. Part of him wanted to know; the rest of him though, dreaded the thought of his little brother suffering any more. There were little moments in which that his brother awoke, and seemed to know where he was, but most of the times that he showed signs of life he was unaware, trapped in the memory in the hell that Dean had created for him.


	19. Chapter 19

BAN:// Hey all, sorry about the wait, school was calling and seaquest fanfiction :-p. Any way here you are, the next chapter is done and waiting for a few reviews, hehe. I hope you like it! Yay!!! A week and a half left of school!!!

Justification Chapter 20

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If John had been angry before, he was double that now. He sat in a bed in a room that had neither of his sons with his hand being bandaged. The nurses had heard his commotion and had to have him restrained to stop him from killing anything within reach. He had even been given sedatives to stop his racing heart and his blood pressure from sky rocketing.

The head nurse had asked why Father Jim and Missouri had done nothing to help him, a small smile graced Johns lips. Jim had tried it once before, if anything Father Jim Murphey was anything but stupid.

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Sam awoke slowly to slight pressure on his side and warmth behind him. "Jess?" Sam whispered leaning into the touch relishing the feel. "I love you Jess." Sam whispered letting his eyes drift close again.

Dean heard Sam speak, and knew it was in a way disgustingly wrong, but didn't have the will to stop Sammy. He deserved some happiness, and if only for a brief moment could Sam be happy then he would do what ever it would take for him.

Slowly though, his bladder calling Dean carefully left the bed tucking Sam in snuggly and making sure all the lines were in their right places and weren't hurting his brother in any way. Then slowly went about doing his own business.

Sam jerked awake as he heard the bathroom flush he rolled over enough to look at the door as it opened. At first he couldn't see who it was and then the figure stepped into the light. Terrified he dropped his gaze, his body starting to shake unwillingly.

Dean looked up to see his brothers eyes wide and open. Those chocolate brown eyes filled with fear. He fought the urge to run scared that he might hurt his brother. Slowly though, he walked near the bed and sat down in the chair next to it. Sam's eyes never left his body, though Sam himself tried to move away from Dean.

"Hey Sammy." Dean whispered, trying to sound as soft as he could, willing his brother not to fear him. Sam's body jerked at the sound of Deans voice. "I'm not gonna hurt you kido."

Sam tilted his head to the side peering at Dean cautiously, he wasn't sure what he was to do, try to run, hide, scream, submit, he didn't know. He saw Dean look away, he felt the tension coming off his brother, that wasn't normal. This was different. Power wasn't radiating off of him.

"I'm not going to hurt you Sammy." Dean whispered reaching his hand out slowly until he lightly touched his brothers hand. At that exact moment that their hands touched Dean was sent flying, Sam curled in a ball his body shaking with fear as Dean hit the wall and slid down it unconscious.


	20. Chapter 20

BAN:// Sorry school just ended and all, short and sweet, I hope you enjoy it!

Missouri was ready for a fight when she heard the commotion coming from the youngest Winchesters room. What met her eyes was a quite different from what she had imagined.

Father Jim had already made it across the room and was assessing Dean's injuries, who was near the bathroom door opposite to the younger hunters bed. She walked over to Sam who was a shaking ball. When she neared him, he stared whimpering. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to. Please don't hit me. Please please please, I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to Dean. I didn't mean to. I'm sorry. Please I'm sorry." Missouri crouched next to the bed, eye level with the quivering ball.

"Sam sweetie listen to me. Sammy its Missouri. Its okay. No one is going to hit you again. You're okay sweet pea. Dean is okay, he's not mad." Missouri rested her hand against Sam's forehead and thought idly, when this was over, she was going to sleep for a year.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Sam's mind was a black abyss in many ways; the only difference Missouri found was that she was not the only woman in Sam's mind. Mary, almost as if she were flesh and blood stood in the center. Calling out to her son coaxing him out of whatever hole in his mind he had hidden in.

"Mary?" Missouri called drifting toward her, Mary spun around to face her.

"I didn't feel you come in. Did something happen?" Worry creased her young face, having past on; she hadn't aged a day over 25.

Missouri nodded her head. "John broke down. I'm surprised he lasted this long." Missouri talked conversationally to the dead woman, as if this was a normal encounter. "So Dean was laying with Sam, just being near him, and got up for what ever reason and I guess Sam woke up and Dean didn't want to scare him, and Sam ended up sending him across the room, he's down for the count, which is good because he's exhausted any way."

Mary scrubbed her face with her hands shaking her head. "I've been here for a while; I'm trying to get Sammy to come out of where he's hiding. He's been in there a while, I'm scared that he won't ever come out. I got him to wake up. But can I get him to really get up?" Mary looked at her friend for support, but found that she was seemingly looking at her same emotions in Missouri's face. Neither woman knew how to handle this situation.

"Have you tried using Jessica?" Missouri asked wondering, how in fact Mary had even gotten into Sam's mind.

"She can't, she's too new, she doesn't have enough power to." Mary said quietly. "Don't ask." Missouri accepted that answer, every woman had their secrets, dead ones included.

"He'll come out Mary." Missouri said looking around for the 'hole' that Mary had spoken of. Sam's mind in its weak state formed to what you thought of it. When Mary had said 'hole' Missouri had pictured a cave with many holes and hiding places, all the two women really had to do was find that hole and get him to come out.

"Thank you Missouri. How long are you going to be staying?" Mary gestured around Sam's mind as if they were in a hotel, both women smiled trying to feel a little better about the dire problems at hand.

The middle-aged woman sighed tiredly. "Not long, this as you know, takes a lot of energy with you here I don't have to stay. If you need anything the 'door' is always open Mary." With that Missouri stepped out of Sam's mind, leaving the deceased mother with her son.


	21. Chapter 21

BAN:// Okie day then heres another chapter all. Please more reviews? I was sad I got so few sniffs I have the flu humor me? Well yes, this is short chapter but next one shall be interesting I suppose.

Missouri left Sam's mind with many questions answered. Mary had always been an amazing woman; she supposed she never knew how much until now. Missouri slowly stood up and stretched tiredly, she needed to sleep, badly.

"Finally!" Jim all but yelled grabbing Missouri's elbow pulling her towards him, "now listen here Missouri you got to stop doing that. Your wearing thin, and we need you at the top of your game!" Missouri only shook her head, pulled away from the preacher, and walked towards the door. "Where are you going?" He questioned.

"To a motel." She said simply and continued walking out the door.

"That woman…" he began but was interrupted with Missouri's voice in his head.

"_I heard that Jim." _

Jim grumbled and sat down in the finally empty chair next to Sam's bed. Jim had moved Dean into John's room; because Jon's ass wasn't broken, he could sit in a chair. Dean needed some serious rest and well, John had slept in enough chairs he'd make himself comfortable.

"Sam…" Jim didn't know where to begin talking to him. He didn't even have an idea where to pray for him. "Where do I even start?" Jim asked.

"At the beginning." Jim spun around to see a woman walk in holding a brief case. "And you are?" She questioned swinging her hips when she walked stopping next to him.

"Father Jim Murphy and you might be…?" He questioned standing up blocking her view up Sam.

"Danica Jewel, as of this time Samuels's psychologist." She explained flicking her hair over her shoulder impatiently. "Is he awake yet?" Her tone was snotty, Father Jim didn't like it.

"No, he's not. If you'd like to leave a message I'll be sure for him to get back to you." He said sarcastically like an answering machine. Danica said nothing but spun on her heal and left the room. Father Jim, being a tired and rather grumpy priest said a few wonderfully colorful words under his breath as he sat back down in his chair, only then noticing that he had an audience.

"I don't like her." Sam said tiredly his eyes trying to focus on Father Jim.

"Neither do I my child." Jim said, trying to not seem deliriously happy that Sam was awake. "How are you feeling?" Jim asked softly smiling at the youngest hunter.

"Like a semi hit me." Sam coughed weakly making a pained face as he moved his wrists, blood started to seep through the white bandages. Jim hit the call button for a nurse, it had been a crazy few hours, and he supposed that it was time for Sam to get some medical attention. Between the boys father, brother, himself, and Missouri, it's a miracle anyone other then them had gotten through the doors. Jim sat back and smiled at his almost surrogate son and waited patiently for a nurse to arrive as Sam drifted back off into sleep.

As the nurse went around unwrapping Sam's arms Jim had to look away and the gruesome red opening in the young hunters arm. As a priest, he had come across many young people coming to him with problems such as this. He had never once imaged that one of the Winchester boys would ever do such a thing. However, given the circumstances Jim found it almost appropriate.

Dean had said something once when Sam was about to leave for college, he over heard the boys talking he had never thought anything of it. Now that he remembered he recalled what Dean had all but yelled at his younger sibling; "You are not a suicide." As the understanding dawned on the priest he stared wide eyed at Sam putting things in places that he never thought were plausible, Samuel Winchester had tried committing suicide before.


	22. Chapter 22

:BAN::// Enjoy. This takes place right before Sammy goes off to college. Comment as always makes me update sooooner

_Few years ago…._

_Sam had tears in his eyes as he sat on the floor in the bathroom that was connected to the room he shared with Dean in Father Jim's house. They had been there for 3 months now, and things seemed to be getting worse for the youngest hunter. His father was ignoring him completely for a comment he had made about his mother leaving him bruised and unconscious. He was surprised actually that his father didn't kill him for it. Dean had found him later on the floor of his room and got him cleaned up not knowing what Sam had said. Dean was now, thankfully, asleep._

_Hunched in the corner of the bathroom between the wall and the toilet he stared at his arm thin lines raced across his arm he ran his thumb along them, wishing he didn't have to make more that those would just break open and bleed, no such luck though. He had only been doing this for a few months, nothing that long. It was risky with his brother always looking out for him. A shudder rippled through his body as he rested his best hunting knife against his skin slowly pressing down feeling his pulse start to quicken his knife was poised at his wrist he was aiming for the invisible line that traced itself down to his elbow. Sucking in a deep breath Sam pushed and pulled the blade towards him instantly having the knife rip into his skin allowing his blood to spill to the floor. He almost wasn't able to stifle the sob that threatened to come out of his lips. He stopped listening for any signs of life in the next room, when he heard none he did the same to his right arm relishing the pain that he felt. _

_Slowly he realized that he hadn't ever cut this deep, he had done light things here and there. Nothing deep but tonight it seemed only right. Tonight was the worst night for him to be alive, weather or not his father and Dean would admit it today was the anniversary of their mothers' death. ON this night unparticular Sam felt the guilt of the death. After he had told his father, he didn't care if they ever found the demon that had killed their mother he felt the hold on the guilt that was solely his to bear. If he hadn't been born, his brother and father would have his mother, yet he had been born so there for it had to be his fault. His father was a mad man when it came to Mary, Sam knew this, and for that reason, he kept out of his fathers way, scared that the rage that John Winchester kept pent up would burst and actually kill him this time. Sam had no idea how much he meant to the Winchester family._

_In his musings Sam didn't hear his brother waking up with a jerk, he didn't hear his brother stagger into the bathroom, in fact he heard little to nothing but the pounding in his ears. He heard nothing but the screams that he had made up to go with the images of what had happened when he was 6 months old. _

"_Sam!" Dean's voice cut through Sam's mind, he jerked his head up trying in vain to hide his bleeding arms. Dean stood in a long pair of sleepy shorts in the doorway of the bathroom his eyes wide, if you looked close enough you could actually see the wheels in his turn start to turn. Acting quickly Dean grabbed the towel off the towel rack, knelt next to his brother, and wrapped his shaking sibling's arms in the towel putting pressure on the wounds. _

"_What happened?" Dean asked looking around the bathroom for an intruder, his mind still foggy enough that he never thought that his own brother had inflicted these wounds. When he heard Sam's strangled sob though his mind shoved the pieces together with agonizing pain. "Sam?" Dean questioned watching as his brothers face crumpled making him look much younger then his actual age._

"_I…" Sam hiccupped, "I'm sorry. It, it was an accident." Sam tried to reach for an excuse that would fit, his mind was cloudy he couldn't think straight._

"_Sam you are not a suicide!" Dean shouted in his brothers face anger creased with worry etched into his face. "You are no suicide Sammy. Your stronger then this."_

"_I killed her." _

"_No you didn't Sammy. It wasn't your fault kido" Dean checked on the bleeding it wasn't too deep he'd heal quickly enough. "Come on." Dean picked his brother up and took him back into their room and clicked on the lights, momentarily blinding both of them. When he reached for the door Sam panicked._

"_don't go Dean. Don't tell dad. Please. He'll… He'll kill me!" Sam whispered shaking his head getting to his feet to rush back to the bathroom to lock himself in, luckily Dean was faster._

"_Sh... sammy I won't tell Dad. Just sit there I need to get another towel." Sam nodded his head and stayed put on his bed his heart racing. When Dean retured he cleared the dried blood from Sam's arms cleaning them with peroxide and put the last of the numbing solution on his brothers arms, Sam gave Dean a small smile before his brother set to work stitching up his handy work._

"_I'm sorry Dean." Sam whispered choking on the lump in his throat as he watched his fingers shake, and then the rest of his body. Dean didn't respond but continued stitching his brothers arm back together. _

_When finished Dean still said nothing to his little brother who then curled up into himself on the bed trying to shut out the pain that he had seen in his brothers eyes. He wished that his brother wouldn't speak of it, you know girly moments and all. Sam thanked his lucky stars when his brother turned out the lights and let a sigh of relief out, though he cursed his so called lucky stars when his brother sat down at the foot of the bed. Damn._

"_Sam." Dean shook his head in the dark. "You are not a suicide. You are stronger then that." _

"_I'm sorry Dean." Sam tried to smooth things over; sorry was supposed to fix everything wasn't it?_

"_Sorry doesn't always cut it Sammy." Dean said shifting so he was looking at his brother. "You didn't kill her god damnit. No one thinks you did. No one. Sammy you did not kill her." Dean couldn't bring himself to say the word 'mom' unlike his little brother he still remembered her. _

_Sam desperately tried to reach for something to end the conversation. "No chick flick moments Dean." He tried hoping that it would work._

"_This isn't one of those. This is serious. I wont' loose you too Sammy." Deans voice had gone down a notch causing the youngest hunter to stare at his brother, was he crying? He didn't have a chance to ask when he was shocked by Dean laying down next to him. _

"_Dean?" Sam questioned. _

"_Shut up bitch and go to sleep." Dean ended the conversation waiting until his brothers breathing evened out before he tentatively wrapped his brother protectively in his arms, the way he used to when he had nightmares, needing to know that his brother was still breathing. _

"_Your not a suicide Sammy. You never will be. I won't let you." Dean vowed feeling his brothers chest rise and fall with every breath he took. "I won't loose you too." _


	23. Chapter 23

John waited next to his oldest Son's bed. He felt calmer after his drug induced sleep after his tantrum. He honestly had felt like a child when the nurses had to tie him down and give him a sedative, like he couldn't take care of himself, ruddy bastards.

Dean was asleep in the bed that he was supposed to be in, but he wasn't about to drop dead out of exhaustion so he allowed his son to take over his bed.

"Dean," John shook his head. He didn't know how to speak, how to feel with out breaking down. All of this was too hard for him to deal with, even the best of times he could barely help his sons and deal with emotions. "I remember when you were seven. That was when it all started, one road house in the middle of no where and you found your first true 'love'" John wove the story around Dean's first girlfriend and his first kiss, he had told few about this story, though it was some of the best ammunition against his quick witted son.

Dean Winchester the lady wooer, the beginning. John could easily see it as a book. Dean had been seven and they had been somewhere in the Midwest, he couldn't remember wehre. They had stopped because the youngest of the boys needed changing and they were not going to wait in the car with a messy diaper. Sam always did have excellent timing on when to go when they were on the road. Sam would always do his business in the middle of where they were going. This particular hole in the wall was just what the Winchesters needed. A Whiskey for Jon, a Coke for Dean, and some milk for Sammy. The little family seemed all set, whiskey in hand leaning back on a seat John would watch out of the corner of his eye as Dean sat with Sammy making sure that the younger boy wouldn't drop his milk, which previous occasions warned that he would if you took your eyes off of him. History in this case was bound to repeat itself when a young girl with sleek blonde hair can waltzing into the bar.

Deans mind wafted away from his younger sibling as his eyes watched her walk into the bar. She had to be the most beautiful girl he had ever laid eyes on. She was his height, had to be can't like a girl taller then you, ahhh the first rule of 'Deanology'. Eyes set on his target Dean walked away from the table straight to the beautiful girl.

"So uh come around here often?" She had beat him to the line. How the hell had that happened? Dean was in shock.

"Er. Uh. Well, no. Just driving through." Dean stuttered back, he opened his mouth and closed it a few times willing his tongue to start working properly.

"Well that's too bad, I could beat you down straight in a game of poker or pool." This girl was the girl for him, seven years old Dean Winchester was ready to settle down with this girl.

"No ways. Impossible. Never gonna happen, no one beats me. Dean." The young boy stuck out his hand in greeting the girl shook it. And introduced herself as Jo.

"wanna put your money where your mouth is?" She asked smiling widely gesturing to an open table in the middle of the bar. Dean nodded stupidly and took out 5 dollars.

And so the Poker game began and soon enough Dean was out of money, candy, and was ready to give his left shoe to this girl who had won every game for the past hour. She was amazing.

"Though you said you were good?" Jo asked flipping her hair over her shoulder and tying it up into a ponytail. Jo deepened her voice and put on a silly grin 'No ways haha never gonna happen." This girl had won his money and candy and now she was mocking him? Winchester pride seeped into the picture.

"Last game, a kiss."

"What?" Dean asked staring at his beautiful opponent.

"Last game I need to go, I win you give me a kiss, I loose you get your stuff back." Jo finalized the bargain by spitting on her hand and holding it out. Dean nodded did the same and they shook on it.

"Deal."

"Deal."

The final game began between the two opponents, Dean couldn't tell if he wanted to kiss her or not, he hadn't kissed a girl before so maybe he didn't want to. When the final cards played out though he didn't have much of a choice, Jo won hands down and really kicked his butt in poker. Jo packed her cards up and her loot and stood up.

"a deals a deal." Dean grimaced and stood to face Jo, then leaned in and kissed her gently on the lips, spun on his heal and ran for his dad who was packing up the car.

No one but Dean, Jo, and his father knew the real story. Dean never spoke about it, though he always remembered it, John Winchester used this as a way of keeping his son in line, would the boy honestly want his brother to know that the infamous Dean Winchester wasn't always such of a stud?

Dean would have no idea that Jo, the little girl from that roadhouse in the middle of nowhere would end up being his future wife.


End file.
